I ain't an alcoholic I just drink a lot.

Another huge influence. But a positive one this time. Scroobius Pip, or David Meads. A talented lyricist and spoken word artist. I've taken a lot of interest in writing and the english language in general because of what he does. Not only just that but as an artist. I'm planning a series of paintings based on an old film adaptation of an even older play which he's quoted or sampled on a few occasions. Although I don't know if it's a good idea yet.
ANyways I noticed this morning as I couldn't get out of bed until much later than I wanted to with a blinding headache that I've been cut off at 3 different bars 3 weekends in a row. Definitely A group effort on all counts, last night no fault of my own at all. so I don't feel too bad. My regular intake is actually all around much less than it used to be. But still, to other people that probably makes me look "bad". SO, next weekend I won't do that. But I have no promises for tonight, because it's my brothers birthday evening, and part of me(most of me) wants it to be funny.
HAPPY (EARLY)BIRTHDAY DANNY

it's not a load that you can spit

I'm fucking discouraged.
As per unfortunate timing today I received an "If I weren't such a nice guy, you'd be fired right now.", and with a comment like that it's very hard to hold yourself in any kind of esteem. I don't give a fuck about the trivialities that preceded and caused it because it was minor. What gets me is the fact that at this point in my life I can't do anything but eat that shit. We're surrounded by people that encourage our failure and usually it doesn't get to me because I know what I want and anything else is just a distraction. And I've learned after some time that if you're not willing to change a shitty situation for yourself you have no right to complain.
But this incredibly long four day week has got me questioning what it is I'm even capable of and as a result my own reflection inspires little more than disgust in me. I'd cringe if my body didn't feel such indifference. I want my arrogance back. I don't want to regress into this apathetic self loathing piece of shit. But fuck, nothing gets to me worse than the fact that this will only change naturally. I should just get drunk at the beach. nothing else will happen

hell

I've been so fucking unmotivated this week. I'm trying, but it's not happening. I feel completely drained of drive and enthusiasm. It's a fucking writers block. Only I can't draw either. Painful, all I can do is pass the time. Weather must be fucking with me or something.
Listen to your stream of consciousness, take notes, revise. It's the creative process. But there's nothing flowing. My mind is literally a blank page. SO fucking crippling. It's only been two days, but it's making me feel like shit. I think my self esteem dropped over night, when that happens I can't be sure I like the way anything looks so I just piss on a tablet or paper and tell myself it's all I'm worth.
I need a damn pick-me-up
or dinner

Barbara Frye

Bukowski is probably my favorite bad influence. His life and work make me feel hope and defeat at the same time. I get in moods and binge on it. books like Love is a Dog From Hell, I could probably never get sick of. All of it so quotable. I was planning on doing a series of artworks of my influences, and I probably will slowly. But the medium and context won't be consistent. So I don't know how much of a series it'll actually be.
More and more this year I'm starting to feel I'm aging. My body can't handle what it used to, I'm realizing I have to do more on my own. Everybody seems to be having a hard time with it. Childhood is misleading, we're bred with such trust. Work hard and shit's gonna be good. Care about people and shit's gonna be good . But nobody's going to be there like they were. We all miss that feeling. Some of us better at coping than others. We have our friends and our relationships with only as much worth as humanly possible. When you're gone they relate to each other by talking about your questionable actions, and your faults. it's common ground and an always engrossing conversation piece. These are the people who will mean the most to you for the rest of your life, the good ones. I don't know who to feel worse for. But I guess I'll smile and take part

in lieu of subtlty

Well, it's thursday and I'm sleeping early because I have a greyhound to catch in the morning, so I guess the week's over and I didn't do a lot with it.
real soon I want to start fucking with canvas again. Something more practical for a show if I get in on one in the near future. shouldn't be too big a challenge. I want to start painting more on wood panel or other found material too. I prefer the look to canvas usually. It feels too forced and I'm rarely happy with the end result
perhaps I just haven't gotten into the swing of making use of a fixed-size working area. digital is good for that. It's spoiling


This is dope too. Irrelevant but dope. Theophilus is one of many influences if only in just the way he presents himself. This reminds me how fucking small Victoria is, we don't have any good shops here. There's shitty consignment, overpriced shitty consignment and AA. every trendy "boutique" is headed by some thick ass framed brown wearing bitch who likes to stick her nose up. so busy indulging herself in the siren song of DIVERSITY that she forgets to stand for anything other than her exclusive taste in life and clique of undeserved pretentious nobodys. I mean everybody's an asshole sometimes, I can be blatantly hypocritical on the subject; but I'm talking about the caricature of a gaping asshole.
Whatever. VV fits and it's keeping me from going broke and shopping with these people, who I'm also failing to acknowledge exist in literally every bigger city.
I guess I'm sleepin' now!

Some guy once established the sexual drive as the primary motivational force of human life. A lot of the time I wonder what it is that drives me anymore. my own sexual drive is superfluous. Resentment is a motivational tool, but that can't be all there is. And if it is I'm fucked when that light burns out. Or maybe once it does the subject matter will change entirely.
I guess I'll find out later.
Anyways, I hope you're all real high

It's kill or be killed

these narratives can't commit me to a consistent role
it's rare, but at times like this and Christmas I notice how little it is I actually care about anyone. Well, I notice it, but I rarely acknowledge it as anything of a problem.
edit:: I just wrote a REALLY long and introspective couple paragraphs on the state of mind I've thrown myself into in the last year. And then I remembered that If I wanted people to know what I was thinking there would be no point in making art, and far less motivation.
in short : I've been pissed on and I deal with it differently than most people and I'd like to think moreso that I'm misunderstood than a blatant and selfish asshole.
I hope you can learn to appreciate my candor, distasteful behavior and needless vulgarity. It's never personal, and you'll probably be more comfortable feeling bad for me than being offended by any of it. Now everyone can sleep at night

with just our flashlights and our love

lazy sentiment

sooo it's been a while
and by a while, I mean like, a week or somethin.
It's been eventful, I had a house guest for 10 days and aside from getting shit sick it was a good time. I spent too much money but it was worth it.
partyfest was dope and the following weekend equally so
it's always weird getting used to the same old routine after actually enjoying myself, but next weekend is four days long so I'm not too concerned about it.
I'm amped to be getting back to work(art) though
if you haven't seen already I submitted another tee to threadless. I'm not expecting much from this one but you can vote anyway if you want to. I'll probably keep doing this until somebody likes one. Aint nothin' wrong with practice.
and now if you'll excuse me I'm going to have some brews before I start the week again
enjoy yourselves

and I did another one of these

so when it's approved I'm going to bug you all to vote
thankZ in advance

4/14

presented without text because I've been sick as fuck and also busy with company

a little bit of sherm sure provokes the fucking fight in her

so, as you may or may have not noticed I didn't do well enough @ threadless to get my submission printed. Or even stick around the full seven days, haha. I was pretty resigned to the fate of it after the first 50 votes were of average (average being bad) rating. Browsing the other submissions I realized it probably shouldn't just be a few hour hangover project if I want it to actually get off the ground. I'm entirely confident I can make something better, but me and threadless do have a slightly different demographic. I'll probably submit another when I get some hours to fuck around a little more seriously and think about who I'm trying to appeal to. I appreciate a challenge, and I'm confident enough in my ability to take shit like that in stride.
mad appreciate to everyone who promoted and/or voted me though. I got more support than I expected. I'll probably spam again when I've submitted the next one.

also PARTY FEST is this weekend.
And for the occasion I'll be seeing some friends I haven't seen in what feels like for fucking ever.
a few of my posters are downtown, and there's about no way I'm not going to have a fucking ball

"you have to be somebody before you can share yourself"

come over if you wanna see the rest.

I've been noticing lately that I'm always worried I'm not making proper use of my time
I've always wanted to feel that way. It's almost like an anxiety.
an incredibly beneficial anxiety.
when I look at how much most people get done on a daily basis it's a ridiculous concern
I used to be so apathetic. I would sit all day and not do a damn thing.
but then, I get that feeling every time I go back home.
Thank god for the rest of the world

ALso

threadless accepted my submission
so now I need some real promotion
vote for me
(a 5 if you want)
7 days to do well!
so far i'm doing terrible LUL

stitched

I was going to write some stuff here but I'm too tired to form a coherent sentence in my head

hey internet, love me

I don't know if you kids are still wearing threadless these days, but that doesn't matter
promote me! assuming this is approved,
I'd appreciate it lots if you voted me somethin' nice