bitches/potential

you're not all poison
well, it's relative
and always much better from a distance
I mean at least I guess bring something to the table
I don't know what I'm saying here.
I've been yearning for some real talks with some old friends. for some substantial human contact. we're not all just weeds
I need a vacation that doesn't just last a few hours and doesn't leave me with a headache
this ungratified routine isn't good for anybody
I don't know what kind of change is necessary but somethin' is. too many dead birds pecking at my conscience.
this is a good mood and I have no idea what to do with it.

proverbial gold miner

first half hour of quality alone time in I don't even remember. i have a hard time adjusting to company, but it's usually worth having. as tempted as I am to spend the evening writing and drawing about the usual and new rues to battle a week long hangover I won't.
habit tells me I'm the subject of a mile-long tablecloth trick but habit is filthy. I value the past for all the right reasons and that makes me a good person. Not a nice person, a good person. humanity's congenital personal confusion tells us we need a partner to pursue the light at the end of the tunnel with. when you both realize it's a trashfire against a black wall you're going to want someone to blame for the long walk. It's not that I don't understand, it's that I do. I hope one day I'll meet someone I can relate to. Or just someone who can open up my head and take a life changing shit inside of it without all the small talk. likely

But it's the weekend. And despite the cold, the sun is pretending it's a nice day. So I'm going to smile and get drunk tonight and have my own brand of a good time while you chill with the billions sitting discontent on No-name swearing that copyright is just a triviality. tastes like shit to me.
sweepstakes

swagswagwgasawg

OFWGKTA
keep your eyes open, because you're already seeing this shit everywhere
I'm going to experience this live when I get the chance

never swallow your pride

don't ask about religious symbolism in the shit lately. it probably serves a fairly obvious purpose. and i find it aesthetically pleasing.
merry christmas!


edit-- ice cream cones work too!

post script

Tomorrow at work I might be offered another full time position, and it got me thinking why it is I can never commit to full-time work. I'll admit it's partly just out of lethargy but it could never be just that. I've always got some kind of lack of money. but money's never been big on my list of priorities. It confuses most people because we were all taught that the paper chase is the most crucial for a good life, but I give a fuck about a lot of things before I'll spring for a financially higher standard of living. Probably has something to do with the fact that I don't give a fuck about getting laid like most dudes. But back to what I do care about. I've learned to live a lifestyle I'm comfortable with on just a part time pay. I get by fine, get the shit I need, I pursue my real interests. That time is more valuable than most figures, it's all I care about anymore. so fuck it, fuck writing off my dreams for disposable income. that's bullshit. I respect that it works for some people, I'm just not one of them. I fucking hope I can avoid that position, and I hope other people can grow the fuck up and try to respect me for having a different kind of ambition. It's the first time I've shown any.
Also I'm realizing pursuing this shit is going to mean becoming more socially active, connections. Eventually I have to stop emotionally resigning myself to this murky perception I have of everyone. I can keep yelling bitches from my stupid livingroom but they're still going to be there. And being a bitter asshole just means that I'm letting ghosts win. you can't even see ghosts. I'm as weak as I've ever been, I've just learned some hard ass lessons and become as jaded as everyone else. I just deal with it in a different way. I can still appreciate companionship and shared interest. art is collaborative, and people to fuck shit up with is all I really want. fuck that bourgeois lifestyle, I have an opportunity to try so I'm going to stick with it. I've got to swallow this counterfeit pride and hopefully keep this mentality. I think I'm always going to be cynical but I've picked the right profession if that's the case. If distaste is all I ever have to express then I'll fucking tag it up.

betting on the muse

SOWW I almost have enough money for the rebel real quick. That's sweet. I plan on doing quite a bit with it. Also I think I'm starting to write a book of short stories illustrations and personal philosophy. Yeah, I guess that's called a "journal". Excerpts I got so far are about that personal, but I'm not going to keep it hidden away somewhere with a lock and key. Maybe not everyone, but I'll show it to the people I don't think are too pussy to read about something introspective that isn't just neato existentialism . It'll be accumulative, likely sloppy and probably never finished. I've been thinking a lot about it and too many people I know are simply afraid to give credit to strong emotions other than love or happiness. it can be so fucking taboo but I find creatively I get a truckload out of embracing it . Maybe I'm just more of a masochist or some shit but It probably comes with the territory. happiness is ephemeral and at times dishonest(duhr) , you feel like it's on the tip of your tongue but it's on a stick in front of a treadmill. sometimes death is sippin' on a doctor pepper in the guise of life and I don't want to draw a picture or write a book about two people drooling and staring at the sun. I want to write about doctor pepp! I want to read literature I can appreciate and relate to that isn't Bukowski. Get real, Bukowski. I'm sure there's a lot out there but I'd rather stay productive than do "research" which is the opposite of productive. I'm not one of those fags who seek enlightenment instead of dwelling on things that retrospectively don't have to be so big a deal. searching for enlightenment means abandoning all your current and incredibly stable principles, and that is by far the gayest idea I've ever even imagined.
But seriously. As soon as old man Spring comes around I'll get more active and actually enjoy myself. It's the way the year tends to play out. The plan was to stay indoors through the cold season and work on more portfolio shit, and I did. I developed a very important friendship, did a lot of painting and some quasi self improvement.

on a more literal note, this is fucking sweet.
I constantly wonder how I'd cope if I ever lost my vision. This man does a better job than I would. inspiring shit though.

| Artists Wanted | In Focus : Pete Eckert from Artists Wanted on Vimeo.

I guess that's all I've got for you today.
PS