It's been a while since I've posted anything explicit, or anything at all really, so here's a new post I guess! I considered either revamping the blog or trashing it altogether as I get the feeling every blog on this site is being phased out for something with a nicer layout, or more relevant. but it looks like for now I'll do neither of those things because I don't know where else to write.
NEWS IS AS FOLLOWS:
- got (more or less) homeless for a month
- went (more or less) insane due to forced radical lifestyle shift
- quit job
- moved in with best friend in Vancouver
- haven't looked for work since relocation
so in hindsight that was for the best. I needed to be forced out of that routine and I was. Got what I needed. Quitting and leaving was no question, much as there are some things I'll miss about Victoria. They needed to be missed. And the conditions of this current living arrangement are very accomodating. It's probably the best place I could be right now.
The couple weeks I've had off have definitely been a conscious decision. At first I wanted to be employed right away, get my foot in any door as soon as possible. Then I remembered how much I hate work, and how a lot of this move was meant to get me at least someone mentally on track before consuming myself with routine again. I don't know what I want to do as a profession. I want to continue making art, but wouldn't know how to make a living at it. I won't let that hinder my progress, but realistically I need to start with something on the side pretty promptly. I don't expect to get my dream job, nor do I know what my dream job even is. But I won't dumb myself down this time, or hold myself back. Even if i'm slinging coffees downtown with a cool staff for a while I don't give a fuck. I'm working hard for art, and if I manage to throw myself into something else I end up enjoying, that'll be cool. One thing I've talked about working on that I probably actually have to in order to survive is letting people like me, and vice versa.
I had a long set of ideologies that revolved around habitual scheduling and largly spending time away from everybody. And then I didn't. Rather, I couldn't. I had to rely on people to have patience for me and me to have patience enough to talk to them. I think what made it the worst is I didn't have a comfortable space to make anything, didn't have the tools handy I needed to vent all of my frustration and loathing into something I could look at and feel good about. Moreover I felt without all of these things I'd normally look to for security, I had to look to people. like,
people to make me feel good. fucked up!
needless to say it's been weird and jarring and uncomfortable. Haven't felt quite myself since. So I guess from here I build on what's left. baggage doesn't get lighter when you travel, and that was never expected. In a lot of ways I'm glad I didn't just ditch life and chill abroad, because I wouldn't want to taint my experiences with the way I've been seeing things. Eiffel tower would've looked like a pile of shit. It should be saved for a time when i'll look to the places for inspiration because it's something I've always wanted and something that has potential to be more significant than anything could be to me now.
So, I don't know. I'm on the fence about how nice and social a person I can be. I fear at both ends of the spectrum I'll be too fucked to make anything; or anything of any worth. That is apparently my biggest concern, so I can only assume I'll work around it.
more on errything as it develops
