I'm becoming one myself

I haven't had much to say lately because I've been choking on a lot of pride. Haven't done much worth noting and would be too sloppy to note it. while this blog has always been therapeutic first and foremost, I also do my best to keep it flowing smoothly and coherently for the few interested or bored enough to read.
If you've been paying attention you've noticed by now that things don't change a lot. Simply because I don't want to change them. I'm the kind of person that will quite readily make himself comfortable no matter how uncomfortable I am, wherever I am. It gets to a point that's easy, I learn how it works and use it to my advantage(if at all possible). As much as this is a good thing, in the way that I can adapt easily, it's also a pretty big handicap.
The past couple years for example, I've made the choice to opt for very little change, because I fear a new perspective will change the way I operate. I haven't felt comfortable or "at home" in years, ever. and I've made that totally acceptable. I worry I'll stop being passionate and exploring subjects that I now feel strongly about. Keeping in mind I'm aware anything I explore at this point won't come from a place of naivety, I still worry a lack of belief or virtue will start to bleed through in all of it and I'll consider myself a dirty hack.
I don't have beef with happiness. positive emotions can be cool as hell. But I have a problem with people who shut out their other emotions, and judge me for acknowledging the rest in such an unapologetic manner. A smile is usually cheap, terrible movies make me smile. but to stare at something bitter, and unrelenting in the face, fully understand it and learn to smile with it. That's something you take home with you, something that reminds you sleep shouldn't always come easy, and that's fine. A drunken shark with a knife in your peripheral vision is still a drunken shark with a knife

I'm honest with myself as often as I can be, because if I wasn't I wouldn't trust myself. But I don't see that anybody conducts themselves the same way. My biggest shit is people who don't acknowledge themselves for who they are. If I can invoke something you've been denying yourself or make you feel like shit for what you're playing off as acceptable behavior for cheap grins, I'm satisfied. If it offends you, oops! But your counterfeit pearlies offend me. and despite how big an asshole it makes me look it isn't always easy to put out there; this is far from schadenfreude.
The nature of what I make and say is incredibly public, and incredibly revealing. So revealing that I forget everyone else has to actually observe and asses their own version of me, before they can even come close to knowing me. I've known people for years that still give me the same advice that I'd never even consider taking, and believe firmly against in a lot of cases. I'm almost offended that some people can't fathom my actions or beliefs without a very thorough and yet very simple explanation. Not that I really consider my own behavior approachable. If anything this blog has become an assisting tool in interpretation. But then again I guess this could be summed up with that entry about subtlety. next week: moderation.
Anyways I'm sorry if your impression of me has ever been "dick for no reason". What I'm actually trying to get at is that I can't condone gratifying denial or insecurities by letting you shoot blind cats in a barrel. This goes beyond childish envy of a simpler or larger capacity for happiness, though that shit does explode my mind sometimes. Life is open to interpretation and that's exactly what gives it any meaning. Stop focusing blindly on the black and white, because you're missing the super pretty 98 shades of grey in between. Your emotions hold incredible value, and they all need to be acknowledged. Swim in your shit and your bathwater, etcetera.
I'm sure I'm close to repeating myself with this entry, but it's worth the extra bit of clarity. As for everything else I said, I exaggerated a bit and I'm still planning on moving(eventually. still.) as much as I fear change, the fate of a broken record is way the fuck worse than the fate of a flimsy but audible record. you can count on something happening whenever I stop saying the things I always say. you'll know it when you see it

the new blogspot interface informed me of my blog's 4,000th view today
considering how long I've been posting that's pretty unimpressive, but more detailed stats inform me that I have more than four readers which both surprises me and I guess really doesn't matter because it's all crap.
anyways here's the stuff I would've posted regardless and most of you have probably seen anyway
again without much comment. I can't take full credit for any of them because I just noticed they're all quotes. That's embarrassing. guess them all and I'll draw you whatever you like

happy thanksgiving pilgrims

I haven't done anything since I turned 22 besides getting a new cool scar on my face, so here's some old stuff you might not have seen yet. All very unrelated

the practice of subtlety

This is probably a ridiculous subject coming from me since a number of themes and topics I explore in art and writing are all but blatant. But you'll get what I mean when you get what I mean. Those of you who know me personally, know I'm far less outspoken in person than I am here. Far less eloquent on the spot anyways, as most everyone is. That's natural, but aside from that I do keep a lot to myself, and with good reason.

In the past I don't know how long, I've been working on observing the human character, or i guess "condition". I've been pissed and distraught, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I had taken everything like a pansy, and made the choice to lose. I don't believe in(barring some extreme circumstances) anybody playing the victim at the hand of someone else. It's a crutch, made out of poop. Everyone has problems, and everybody knows this. A lot of the time we earn them, play into them, and deny it. I felt I had a much different way of dealing with mine than everyone else; it was a treadmill. So I decided to take the bench and watch the actual race. To get a better idea of the nuances, subtleties and idiosyncrasies that are oh so acceptable forms of social behavior. To accordingly plan my own actions. I started taking notes. And one of the first taken, was one of the more prominent: Transparency is ugly as hell.

This cool old guy named Jesus is quoted as saying something along the lines of (depending which version of the same book you're reading): "A prophet is not without honour, save in his own country, and among his own kin, and in his own house."- Mark 6:4
Or for those of you that don't read books, "familiarity breeds contempt." It's more likely you've heard that one. It's a bit bleak, maybe extreme, but arguably the most true thing you've ever heard. We've all been told never to meet our idols for a reason; we don't want to know that they're human. To be human is to be faulty, predictable, and fragile. If I knew the process behind every piece of art or film I've ever loved I'd be depressed and disappointed.
I can assume you've experienced boredom and been devoid of lust or charm when growing familiar with someone you were at one point attracted to. I now find an incredible amount of worth in the fact that I scarcely gain more personal momentum than eye-contact with the people I find to be most appealing in passing. It is fulfilling, intimate, and the most elating severance you will ever experience. Every expectation out of this person was met through the brief exchange of two-second glance. There is nothing I find dreamier than a potential relationship I'll never have to experience. I make it my business to hang out where the dreamer and the realist hump(or make eye contact and keep walking) but I guess again bear in mind that this is coming from a dude taking mental notes on social manipulation

Attraction is observation, the things we gather from our very limited resources of the "first impression". This is almost always at least 80% aesthetic. If you're satisfied from the instance of a single glance, compare the odds that things will get better from here, to the odds that things between you and this person will not materialize and that your symmetrical, or a-symmetrical personalities will not accommodate each other. Again, not a defeatist attitude, this is a logical and viable practice that I will fight you over. I've seen some of my favorite minds resort to the lowest form of behavior as a result of the shortcomings of their own most prized and dependable affinities. Meanwhile I'm off somewhere having the best 2 seconds of my life. Who's the winner here? let's fight.
But this goes for all relations, even the frivolous, or the unfortunately necessary. Be a vigilant and secretly condescending asshole when you market yourself. Insecurities are hard to shrug off, but don't kid yourself. They're visible as long as they're there. For all the great things you have to say for yourself and about what you represent, It's clear why you're saying them instead of letting someone else.
It's not the diarrhea you're taking on the table that makes people interested in you, it's the diarrhea you have in your pocket. And the confidence you show keeping it there.
okay, bad analogy. It's the attractive new watch you're wearing that you don't need to tell anyone about because you know they'll take notice. Be aloof. If they don't notice, you need practice at getting cool watches. And this is almost a better position to be in, because you'll manage and control hard earned success much better than you'll manage the loose dump you took on the table. Curate your attributes wisely. Take notes. Practice. Keep your most valuable secrets, or have them stick out your cuff a bit by accident.

if you're wondering, the irony of the revealing nature of this post has not been lost on me. I hope in return the ever so slightly exaggerated bits aren't lost on you. I'm aware that I'm a caricature of a terrible person sometimes, but remember that inside of my actions and words and thoughts is a guy that keeps everybody close to him close to him because he'd be worthless without them. Don't let my endearing childish behavior fool you

NOW as I enter my twenty second year I leave you with this. I've fucked up a lot, but I'm constantly working on it, (swearsies). I don't meet the traditional standards of successful yet, but I know what I've got, and I've learned to take advantage of it. We all know the best part of any relationship/movie/story is never the end, but the arduous and whimsically retarded journey between that and the beginning. We've got a lot to learn, so here's to all the shit I'll have accomplished in the next 22 years, hopefully with all of you in close touch.

brief season

if you don't miss the summer yet I got something that wants you to. I don't particularly care for the concept of either but they're executed well and poignant @ all of you lacking a little more freedom and exuberance with every passing season. of course this is assuming you have 9 minutes to spare outside of your work/school, which you don't. see what I did there?
merry christmas

Wintercoats // Working on a Dream from Feel Good Lost on Vimeo.

Youth Lagoon - Montana from Tyler T Williams on Vimeo.

aw now you're depressed. or you should be. if you're not you're probably a smarmy cynic, in which case you have bigger problems that I don't care about.
anyway for those of you that think borderline crappy nostalgia is gay you can pretend the latter is about danny mcbride wearing a white t-shirt chasing an armyghost and burning stuff. there, now you like it.
I'll be back to post something COOL and verbose about myself soon, don't worry

Dime in the rough

Hello, again.
I lied to you and don't have anything to show for myself since the last post. Oops! I guess I've been spending too much time around people. Also I've been having a hard time with this campaign. The title for said campaign, by the way, is Boob Art for Breast Cancer. There are pretty much no rules, it's not commission work and I am told I have complete freedom as to how I interpret the title and theme. But with a title like that it's pretty obvious what's going to be accentuated in most/all of the other pieces. My biggest concern is that I will make something utterly offensive. I've never tried to express something positive in what I do. At least in regards to humanity as a whole. I feel the very thought conflicts with my swag(that word was a joke) and the only thing I'll be able to make if I try will read completely uncomfortable and contrived. So it's kind of fun. It's a serious challenge for me, and there is a deadline, so I'll show you what happens when it happens I guess.

I've been looking to broaden my horizons when it comes to expression lately. I've noticed in the past few months that I have a very hard time committing to one format. I've been slowly pseudo-researching several things of interest in my spare time. These things include film, photography, visual art(duh), gentlemen's fashion(shut up), and I've been dabbling with the thought of getting into music for the past ever, too. I have no complaints on any of these things. It's nice to genuinely care about so many modes of self, but it does pose a few problems.
NUMBER ONE: If I choose to pursue interest and advancement in all of these categories, my productivity in each one will decrease by 80%. Also, assuming I spend equal portions of time individually, my overall potential for success in each field will be reduced by roughly 80% as well(I'm talking flat stats, and not taking into consideration how well I'll take to each one.)
ALTHOUGH I should add I am unable to calculate the increase in personal and financial value if I am actually SUCCESSFUL in two or more of these categories as opposed to just one. this one hurts.
NUMBER TWO: balance would be fucking impossibly difficult. Even as it was with just art I never felt like I was spending enough time advancing.
OH AND NUMBER THREE: If I don't succeed at making money with one of these I will spend my life completely broke. Equipment is money. The dream is to convince someone to pay me to continue learning on my own terms, give me all the resources that I need to make what I want, and only represent the things and people that I choose to. I think even at that point the dream would cease to be, because the fun of being a starving artist is finding a way to make the things you want to with VERY few resources. It's inspired living bro.

On the same vein of a subject, I was shopping at h&m the other day, and besides the obvious several thousand reasons, couldn't figure out why I was ashamed to be shopping there. I mean yeah, the crowd, prices, and general assistant shopper-y vibe you get there is bad. But it was something different, and almost personal. Stay with me, I'm making a point. After a while of people asking me why my butt was so tight on the subject, I realized that somewhere along the way I developed standards. I really couldn't care less if people want to call me a hipster for doing or wearing what I feel like doing and wearing. At the end of the day people will be quick to label things to keep the world as they see it simpler and within understanding. Whether it's a social class, art form, even shit as arbitrary as food. I'm not talking about labels either because 9 out of 10 times I will pay for the fit before the brand.
I'm talking about uncompromising quality of presentation. if I'm going to attempt to dress well, I'll attempt to dress well. And by this I mean understand what I'm wearing and why I'm spending hard earned money on it. If I had several more figures at my disposal I would pay for quality merchandise. Shit that wasn't made in a sweatshop, and that is made with material that isn't visibly falling apart, but I don't. With the means I have, which I can tell you for true is less than most people living on their own, I do fine. I get shit from a thrift store that doesn't have a reputable brand name or commercially distinct swag(nice) because I like the way it looks and I like that people can't quickly associate it with any kind of cheap flavorless promotion. If I had the skill and knowledge I would be making my own clothes, but that would take the better part of my life. I don't claim to be any authority on this, but every girl who thinks men get out of bed in the morning to impress them seems to think they are, so why the fuck not. (And no, that wasn't transference. I've met several girls with several complexes.)

Now I probably sound pretty fucking shallow after that, so let me give you a disclaimer. I don't give a fuck what you wear. And by that I mean I don't judge you for dressing or not dressing the way you want. Well I guess yeah, if you're not dressing the way you want I judge you. What I'm saying is we all have influences that are acquired over years of observation and personal change, and sometimes these influences clash. This is where the human trait called understanding comes in. If you don't like something I'm wearing that's your business, but I'm completely conscious of every decision I make when I dress and everything I put on has a reason to be there. If you seriously think you have the authority to try to undermine my well thought out decisions I will resort to satirical quips like "just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it's not better than you" that will be completely misread. You won't recognize that when it happens so I guess the high road here will just be my little secret.

Anyways, on the subject of vanity I've figured out something that's pretty motivational. I know everybody thinks they have one thing that sets them apart from everyone else. Something that gives them the upper hand at success in whatever they're passionate about. Even if it's not true, we tell ourselves it is because it keeps us sane. But mine's for real, and mine sets me apart from 99% of the population. What I'm talking about is my almost complete lack of libido. At first it was kind of forced. Maybe I was punishing myself for failure, or just living in fear of future failures, but after a few months of hitting this new girl named logic it made complete sense. It's like that episode of Seinfeld where George refuses to let his sex drive conflict with his actions and motives , in turn allowing him to make complete use of his brain.
I've never been so disinterested in the thoughts of others. And this allows complete focus and uncompromised control of self representation. I'm blowing smoke up my own butt right now(I might be a narcissist¿) , but I really do believe it gives me an advantage. Now before you start(keep) talking about detachment issues and how you think I'm a homo when I'm not around let me state some things. I'm not devoid of feeling, I do still get boners, and yeah I'll probably eventually date again. But as far as I'm concerned right now logic and personal well-being are closer bros than my dick is. I'm constantly asked why I'm not dating or fucking, and the simple answer of self-respect is so fucking baffling that people almost take it personally. If it means I'm fucked up for the moment I'm seriously okay with that because I won't ever have to drop friends, and I'm one in at least a million that gets to interpret their own personal meaning of life.(most people think it's sex if u didn't know)

Jesus, that's optimism. In short I'm pretty fucking stoked to be alive in body and mind lately. What I'm doing by writing this down for you all to read is either documenting my road to success, or complete failure. At the end of each road there is opportunity for literary inspiration though. Still gonna aim for the first. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed my autobiographical novel

in case all that writing didn't do it for you check this shit out

real people have problems too

o and for those of you that don't know, i have a tumblr for my photos now. This blog is a bit more srs content driven so you can look there for pictures I don't know how to take yet. Probably post some here as they get more relevant.
I finally found something to paint on today and also in the next month(s) I will be making something for a campaign to raise money for breast cancer, so I will be back soon with something to show for myself and also more details on the latter.