Dime in the rough

Hello, again.
I lied to you and don't have anything to show for myself since the last post. Oops! I guess I've been spending too much time around people. Also I've been having a hard time with this campaign. The title for said campaign, by the way, is Boob Art for Breast Cancer. There are pretty much no rules, it's not commission work and I am told I have complete freedom as to how I interpret the title and theme. But with a title like that it's pretty obvious what's going to be accentuated in most/all of the other pieces. My biggest concern is that I will make something utterly offensive. I've never tried to express something positive in what I do. At least in regards to humanity as a whole. I feel the very thought conflicts with my swag(that word was a joke) and the only thing I'll be able to make if I try will read completely uncomfortable and contrived. So it's kind of fun. It's a serious challenge for me, and there is a deadline, so I'll show you what happens when it happens I guess.

I've been looking to broaden my horizons when it comes to expression lately. I've noticed in the past few months that I have a very hard time committing to one format. I've been slowly pseudo-researching several things of interest in my spare time. These things include film, photography, visual art(duh), gentlemen's fashion(shut up), and I've been dabbling with the thought of getting into music for the past ever, too. I have no complaints on any of these things. It's nice to genuinely care about so many modes of self, but it does pose a few problems.
NUMBER ONE: If I choose to pursue interest and advancement in all of these categories, my productivity in each one will decrease by 80%. Also, assuming I spend equal portions of time individually, my overall potential for success in each field will be reduced by roughly 80% as well(I'm talking flat stats, and not taking into consideration how well I'll take to each one.)
ALTHOUGH I should add I am unable to calculate the increase in personal and financial value if I am actually SUCCESSFUL in two or more of these categories as opposed to just one. this one hurts.
NUMBER TWO: balance would be fucking impossibly difficult. Even as it was with just art I never felt like I was spending enough time advancing.
OH AND NUMBER THREE: If I don't succeed at making money with one of these I will spend my life completely broke. Equipment is money. The dream is to convince someone to pay me to continue learning on my own terms, give me all the resources that I need to make what I want, and only represent the things and people that I choose to. I think even at that point the dream would cease to be, because the fun of being a starving artist is finding a way to make the things you want to with VERY few resources. It's inspired living bro.

On the same vein of a subject, I was shopping at h&m the other day, and besides the obvious several thousand reasons, couldn't figure out why I was ashamed to be shopping there. I mean yeah, the crowd, prices, and general assistant shopper-y vibe you get there is bad. But it was something different, and almost personal. Stay with me, I'm making a point. After a while of people asking me why my butt was so tight on the subject, I realized that somewhere along the way I developed standards. I really couldn't care less if people want to call me a hipster for doing or wearing what I feel like doing and wearing. At the end of the day people will be quick to label things to keep the world as they see it simpler and within understanding. Whether it's a social class, art form, even shit as arbitrary as food. I'm not talking about labels either because 9 out of 10 times I will pay for the fit before the brand.
I'm talking about uncompromising quality of presentation. if I'm going to attempt to dress well, I'll attempt to dress well. And by this I mean understand what I'm wearing and why I'm spending hard earned money on it. If I had several more figures at my disposal I would pay for quality merchandise. Shit that wasn't made in a sweatshop, and that is made with material that isn't visibly falling apart, but I don't. With the means I have, which I can tell you for true is less than most people living on their own, I do fine. I get shit from a thrift store that doesn't have a reputable brand name or commercially distinct swag(nice) because I like the way it looks and I like that people can't quickly associate it with any kind of cheap flavorless promotion. If I had the skill and knowledge I would be making my own clothes, but that would take the better part of my life. I don't claim to be any authority on this, but every girl who thinks men get out of bed in the morning to impress them seems to think they are, so why the fuck not. (And no, that wasn't transference. I've met several girls with several complexes.)

Now I probably sound pretty fucking shallow after that, so let me give you a disclaimer. I don't give a fuck what you wear. And by that I mean I don't judge you for dressing or not dressing the way you want. Well I guess yeah, if you're not dressing the way you want I judge you. What I'm saying is we all have influences that are acquired over years of observation and personal change, and sometimes these influences clash. This is where the human trait called understanding comes in. If you don't like something I'm wearing that's your business, but I'm completely conscious of every decision I make when I dress and everything I put on has a reason to be there. If you seriously think you have the authority to try to undermine my well thought out decisions I will resort to satirical quips like "just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it's not better than you" that will be completely misread. You won't recognize that when it happens so I guess the high road here will just be my little secret.

Anyways, on the subject of vanity I've figured out something that's pretty motivational. I know everybody thinks they have one thing that sets them apart from everyone else. Something that gives them the upper hand at success in whatever they're passionate about. Even if it's not true, we tell ourselves it is because it keeps us sane. But mine's for real, and mine sets me apart from 99% of the population. What I'm talking about is my almost complete lack of libido. At first it was kind of forced. Maybe I was punishing myself for failure, or just living in fear of future failures, but after a few months of hitting this new girl named logic it made complete sense. It's like that episode of Seinfeld where George refuses to let his sex drive conflict with his actions and motives , in turn allowing him to make complete use of his brain.
I've never been so disinterested in the thoughts of others. And this allows complete focus and uncompromised control of self representation. I'm blowing smoke up my own butt right now(I might be a narcissist¿) , but I really do believe it gives me an advantage. Now before you start(keep) talking about detachment issues and how you think I'm a homo when I'm not around let me state some things. I'm not devoid of feeling, I do still get boners, and yeah I'll probably eventually date again. But as far as I'm concerned right now logic and personal well-being are closer bros than my dick is. I'm constantly asked why I'm not dating or fucking, and the simple answer of self-respect is so fucking baffling that people almost take it personally. If it means I'm fucked up for the moment I'm seriously okay with that because I won't ever have to drop friends, and I'm one in at least a million that gets to interpret their own personal meaning of life.(most people think it's sex if u didn't know)

Jesus, that's optimism. In short I'm pretty fucking stoked to be alive in body and mind lately. What I'm doing by writing this down for you all to read is either documenting my road to success, or complete failure. At the end of each road there is opportunity for literary inspiration though. Still gonna aim for the first. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed my autobiographical novel

in case all that writing didn't do it for you check this shit out