I haven't had much to say lately because I've been choking on a lot of pride. Haven't done much worth noting and would be too sloppy to note it. while this blog has always been therapeutic first and foremost, I also do my best to keep it flowing smoothly and coherently for the few interested or bored enough to read.
If you've been paying attention you've noticed by now that things don't change a lot. Simply because I don't want to change them. I'm the kind of person that will quite readily make himself comfortable no matter how uncomfortable I am, wherever I am. It gets to a point that's easy, I learn how it works and use it to my advantage(if at all possible). As much as this is a good thing, in the way that I can adapt easily, it's also a pretty big handicap.
The past couple years for example, I've made the choice to opt for very little change, because I fear a new perspective will change the way I operate. I haven't felt comfortable or "at home" in years, ever. and I've made that totally acceptable. I worry I'll stop being passionate and exploring subjects that I now feel strongly about. Keeping in mind I'm aware anything I explore at this point won't come from a place of naivety, I still worry a lack of belief or virtue will start to bleed through in all of it and I'll consider myself a dirty hack.
I don't have beef with happiness. positive emotions can be cool as hell. But I have a problem with people who shut out their other emotions, and judge me for acknowledging the rest in such an unapologetic manner. A smile is usually cheap, terrible movies make me smile. but to stare at something bitter, and unrelenting in the face, fully understand it and learn to smile with it. That's something you take home with you, something that reminds you sleep shouldn't always come easy, and that's fine. A drunken shark with a knife in your peripheral vision is still a drunken shark with a knife
I'm honest with myself as often as I can be, because if I wasn't I wouldn't trust myself. But I don't see that anybody conducts themselves the same way. My biggest shit is people who don't acknowledge themselves for who they are. If I can invoke something you've been denying yourself or make you feel like shit for what you're playing off as acceptable behavior for cheap grins, I'm satisfied. If it offends you, oops! But your counterfeit pearlies offend me. and despite how big an asshole it makes me look it isn't always easy to put out there; this is far from schadenfreude.
The nature of what I make and say is incredibly public, and incredibly revealing. So revealing that I forget everyone else has to actually observe and asses their own version of me, before they can even come close to knowing me. I've known people for years that still give me the same advice that I'd never even consider taking, and believe firmly against in a lot of cases. I'm almost offended that some people can't fathom my actions or beliefs without a very thorough and yet very simple explanation. Not that I really consider my own behavior approachable. If anything this blog has become an assisting tool in interpretation. But then again I guess this could be summed up with that entry about subtlety. next week: moderation.
Anyways I'm sorry if your impression of me has ever been "dick for no reason". What I'm actually trying to get at is that I can't condone gratifying denial or insecurities by letting you shoot blind cats in a barrel. This goes beyond childish envy of a simpler or larger capacity for happiness, though that shit does explode my mind sometimes. Life is open to interpretation and that's exactly what gives it any meaning. Stop focusing blindly on the black and white, because you're missing the super pretty 98 shades of grey in between. Your emotions hold incredible value, and they all need to be acknowledged. Swim in your shit and your bathwater, etcetera.
I'm sure I'm close to repeating myself with this entry, but it's worth the extra bit of clarity. As for everything else I said, I exaggerated a bit and I'm still planning on moving(eventually. still.) as much as I fear change, the fate of a broken record is way the fuck worse than the fate of a flimsy but audible record. you can count on something happening whenever I stop saying the things I always say. you'll know it when you see it
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