o yeah

I forgot to mention I did a cover for the first issue of an up and coming zine that is by/for artists, creatives, and anyone else that does anything sweet in Victoria. The first cover was chosen but I'm posting the second one anyway because I made it when I was sick as fuck and I like it. There is an interview with me inside, so if you're in Victoria on April first you should go to the launching party at Camus Books and get us both a copy because I don't live in Victoria anymore. Or maybe I'll just go, we'll see.

WIP

poss new tape cover. not sure what I want to do with it, but something

323

It's been a while since I've posted anything explicit, or anything at all really, so here's a new post I guess! I considered either revamping the blog or trashing it altogether as I get the feeling every blog on this site is being phased out for something with a nicer layout, or more relevant. but it looks like for now I'll do neither of those things because I don't know where else to write.

NEWS IS AS FOLLOWS:
- got (more or less) homeless for a month
- went (more or less) insane due to forced radical lifestyle shift
- quit job
- moved in with best friend in Vancouver
- haven't looked for work since relocation

so in hindsight that was for the best. I needed to be forced out of that routine and I was. Got what I needed. Quitting and leaving was no question, much as there are some things I'll miss about Victoria. They needed to be missed. And the conditions of this current living arrangement are very accomodating. It's probably the best place I could be right now.
The couple weeks I've had off have definitely been a conscious decision. At first I wanted to be employed right away, get my foot in any door as soon as possible. Then I remembered how much I hate work, and how a lot of this move was meant to get me at least someone mentally on track before consuming myself with routine again. I don't know what I want to do as a profession. I want to continue making art, but wouldn't know how to make a living at it. I won't let that hinder my progress, but realistically I need to start with something on the side pretty promptly. I don't expect to get my dream job, nor do I know what my dream job even is. But I won't dumb myself down this time, or hold myself back. Even if i'm slinging coffees downtown with a cool staff for a while I don't give a fuck. I'm working hard for art, and if I manage to throw myself into something else I end up enjoying, that'll be cool. One thing I've talked about working on that I probably actually have to in order to survive is letting people like me, and vice versa.
I had a long set of ideologies that revolved around habitual scheduling and largly spending time away from everybody. And then I didn't. Rather, I couldn't. I had to rely on people to have patience for me and me to have patience enough to talk to them. I think what made it the worst is I didn't have a comfortable space to make anything, didn't have the tools handy I needed to vent all of my frustration and loathing into something I could look at and feel good about. Moreover I felt without all of these things I'd normally look to for security, I had to look to people. like, people to make me feel good. fucked up!
needless to say it's been weird and jarring and uncomfortable. Haven't felt quite myself since. So I guess from here I build on what's left. baggage doesn't get lighter when you travel, and that was never expected. In a lot of ways I'm glad I didn't just ditch life and chill abroad, because I wouldn't want to taint my experiences with the way I've been seeing things. Eiffel tower would've looked like a pile of shit. It should be saved for a time when i'll look to the places for inspiration because it's something I've always wanted and something that has potential to be more significant than anything could be to me now.
So, I don't know. I'm on the fence about how nice and social a person I can be. I fear at both ends of the spectrum I'll be too fucked to make anything; or anything of any worth. That is apparently my biggest concern, so I can only assume I'll work around it.

more on errything as it develops

I had an actual post. With text and unnecessary condemning statements and everything, but I think instead of barfin' every fleeting thought as it comes to me I'll save them, and take notes. Nothing materializes of writing here. A few people read, mostly keep their thoughts to themselves and I continue on not having anything to show for it. There's no growth, nothing tangible, just exaggerated admission that I sometimes get the feeling unnerves some people. I think I'll try to incorporate some of the more relevant points into something. I got some half baked Ideas but those don't usually materialize either. I'm getting pretty ridiculous with lack of censorship in posting and I should probably think about the many bad lights I'm displaying myself in. I don't know if everybody takes into account that I only post when I have negative things to say, and that I don't think negative things the rest of the time I'm not writing. Just a reminder. As much as I don't care now, I might turn into a loser who regrets things later. god forbid. anyways if this creative preservation thing doesn't pan out you'll hear from me again soon and it will be pretty obvious if I've given up on it.
christmas is soon and that means lots of busy good stuff usually. also a transitional stage is overdue and maybe committing to things will be a resolution in the new year because growing up is the most fundamental part of growing up
c u later

thank god it's not Christmas

We're all solipsistic people. We don't acknowledge it, and most don't even grasp it firmly enough to admit it. but we are. Most of us.
We don't care about each other nearly as much as we care about how accommodating our own surroundings are. And achieving this level of comfort requires meaningful, heartfelt, or just convincing enough compassion. Being the confidant or expressing empathy.
Personal security requires some emotional investments in other people. It's a safe bet; people are cheap, the payoff is immediate, and if you play your cards right, long-lasting. We all pay through the teeth every day without even thinking about it.
I can't count the compliments I've given that I really couldn't tell I'd actually meant, except for the fact that they sounded both very nice and very true. The same goes for smacktalk. This doesn't make me a bad person, but I won't sit here and say it makes me a good person either. I'm just observant. and I often neglect my filters because emotional bias has no place in addressing the objective state of being. which apparently I really enjoy.
I could both deeply insult and profoundly compliment every remotely close friend I keep without a second thought.
This has it's benefits and handicaps, but abusing the most profitable one would be exploitation and I wouldn't like myself. And you don't seem like a sucker who likes being belittled. A person will believe anything you say to them about themselves as long as it's flattering, so I make pretty sure It's important and that (I think) I mean it. I'm an asshole to people I actually think something of because flattery is too easy. You have every right not to take it as a compliment. I just like acknowledging things. I'll work on it when it gets boring.

I'm aware this is all a very pessimistic viewpoint and not everyone's going to be open to it. But there are merits to it that I hope don't get overlooked just because it wrecks your boner.

in conclusion
solipsism: weird stuff !!

The cost of observation

hey! It's me again. David!
I'm coming here to confirm that everything I predicted about the change in season was right. I don't know if it triggers some form of lament and I impose some silly self destruction for that reason alone, but fall is always just batshit unpleasant. The difference this year is that I'm casually rolling with the punches. I don't feel overwhelmed but it certainly hasn't been the best year(month) of my life so far. The creative drive is back, and I'm always a little intrigued how the two uncannily correlate to each other.
I was reading a book yesterday
just kidding, it was a graphic novel. regardless I was reading a book yesterday.
It was quite enjoyable actually, I rarely find the time or patience to read text that isn't backlit. The book itself I wasn't actually big on. The art seemed dated, the kind of stuff you'd see framed in an equally dated and barren restaurant. Maybe even a mcdonalds. wasn't my thing. All of the text in the book was narrated from the perspective of a third party and being so, didn't warrant thought or dialogue bubbles, which was interesting.. but it was written pretty incredibly dryly. And intentionally dryly. y'know, so it's kinda charming?
anyway very little about the book actually engaged me until I noticed how well I could identify with the main character, who was a detached middle-aged bachelor, and succesful playwright. He was charmless and severly socially awkward. Deriving all of his inspiration from his own life observations and personal shortcomings. He was prolific, because he kept to himself, took notes on everything, and the few close relationships he held he squandered for his own personal gain; exploiting his brothers retardation in a (succesful)attempt to write and award-winning play. His mother and father hadn't spoken to him since, but to him it was worth the trouble because the playwright never wastes good material. ever.
And while the majority of the book was about his love/sex(or lack thereof) life and the interest in, the message was the same. It's about a distanced sexless creatively productive type, who later quits writing altogether in order to settle down and take part in the practice of life instead of the study. I don't know if it was intended, but the happy ending was depressing as hell. This dude was either in or of the world everyone else was living in, but had no option to do both

now I'll put this out on the table right now: I'm not middle aged. which means I don't claim to be in the cold and removed state of this character. But the fact remains that this old shithead was incredibly and comfortably relatable for me. Moreso than any youthful character in any other story. I've mentioned a lot before how I have a hard time switching gears from the loud social and thoughtlessly elated version of myself to the "work" version of myself. Whether it's going to my place of employment on a monday or just spending time alone for introspective reflection, or to work on a painting. The two are polar opposites, and they seem to clash when they get too close to each other. It only stands to reason that eventually one will overpower the other.

I'm not above the notion that this affliction is nothing more than a self-fulfilling prophecy. But the worry remains in the back of my head. I've never been creatively and socially active at the same time, so I stress that the conclusion is either or. With a personality like mine, the dichotomy isn't an accommodating one. Exploit your relationships, or embrace them. Live a happy and mediocre life , or a detached but revered one. blah blah or blah blah.

this is merely a stream of consciousness for now because I apparently have things to do today that aren't fixing drafts for myself to read. but it felt necessary to leave a reminder to draw a conclusion, eventually, before resigning myself to the fate of one or the other . I guarantee I take all advice with a dumptruck full of salt, but on this one if you can at all relate, you understand it's not as self imposed a dilemma as it sounds. drop me some hot cents if u got em

the new blogspot interface informed me of my blog's 4,000th view today
considering how long I've been posting that's pretty unimpressive, but more detailed stats inform me that I have more than four readers which both surprises me and I guess really doesn't matter because it's all crap.
anyways here's the stuff I would've posted regardless and most of you have probably seen anyway
again without much comment. I can't take full credit for any of them because I just noticed they're all quotes. That's embarrassing. guess them all and I'll draw you whatever you like

happy thanksgiving pilgrims

I haven't done anything since I turned 22 besides getting a new cool scar on my face, so here's some old stuff you might not have seen yet. All very unrelated

the practice of subtlety

This is probably a ridiculous subject coming from me since a number of themes and topics I explore in art and writing are all but blatant. But you'll get what I mean when you get what I mean. Those of you who know me personally, know I'm far less outspoken in person than I am here. Far less eloquent on the spot anyways, as most everyone is. That's natural, but aside from that I do keep a lot to myself, and with good reason.

In the past I don't know how long, I've been working on observing the human character, or i guess "condition". I've been pissed and distraught, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I had taken everything like a pansy, and made the choice to lose. I don't believe in(barring some extreme circumstances) anybody playing the victim at the hand of someone else. It's a crutch, made out of poop. Everyone has problems, and everybody knows this. A lot of the time we earn them, play into them, and deny it. I felt I had a much different way of dealing with mine than everyone else; it was a treadmill. So I decided to take the bench and watch the actual race. To get a better idea of the nuances, subtleties and idiosyncrasies that are oh so acceptable forms of social behavior. To accordingly plan my own actions. I started taking notes. And one of the first taken, was one of the more prominent: Transparency is ugly as hell.

This cool old guy named Jesus is quoted as saying something along the lines of (depending which version of the same book you're reading): "A prophet is not without honour, save in his own country, and among his own kin, and in his own house."- Mark 6:4
Or for those of you that don't read books, "familiarity breeds contempt." It's more likely you've heard that one. It's a bit bleak, maybe extreme, but arguably the most true thing you've ever heard. We've all been told never to meet our idols for a reason; we don't want to know that they're human. To be human is to be faulty, predictable, and fragile. If I knew the process behind every piece of art or film I've ever loved I'd be depressed and disappointed.
I can assume you've experienced boredom and been devoid of lust or charm when growing familiar with someone you were at one point attracted to. I now find an incredible amount of worth in the fact that I scarcely gain more personal momentum than eye-contact with the people I find to be most appealing in passing. It is fulfilling, intimate, and the most elating severance you will ever experience. Every expectation out of this person was met through the brief exchange of two-second glance. There is nothing I find dreamier than a potential relationship I'll never have to experience. I make it my business to hang out where the dreamer and the realist hump(or make eye contact and keep walking) but I guess again bear in mind that this is coming from a dude taking mental notes on social manipulation

Attraction is observation, the things we gather from our very limited resources of the "first impression". This is almost always at least 80% aesthetic. If you're satisfied from the instance of a single glance, compare the odds that things will get better from here, to the odds that things between you and this person will not materialize and that your symmetrical, or a-symmetrical personalities will not accommodate each other. Again, not a defeatist attitude, this is a logical and viable practice that I will fight you over. I've seen some of my favorite minds resort to the lowest form of behavior as a result of the shortcomings of their own most prized and dependable affinities. Meanwhile I'm off somewhere having the best 2 seconds of my life. Who's the winner here? let's fight.
But this goes for all relations, even the frivolous, or the unfortunately necessary. Be a vigilant and secretly condescending asshole when you market yourself. Insecurities are hard to shrug off, but don't kid yourself. They're visible as long as they're there. For all the great things you have to say for yourself and about what you represent, It's clear why you're saying them instead of letting someone else.
It's not the diarrhea you're taking on the table that makes people interested in you, it's the diarrhea you have in your pocket. And the confidence you show keeping it there.
okay, bad analogy. It's the attractive new watch you're wearing that you don't need to tell anyone about because you know they'll take notice. Be aloof. If they don't notice, you need practice at getting cool watches. And this is almost a better position to be in, because you'll manage and control hard earned success much better than you'll manage the loose dump you took on the table. Curate your attributes wisely. Take notes. Practice. Keep your most valuable secrets, or have them stick out your cuff a bit by accident.

if you're wondering, the irony of the revealing nature of this post has not been lost on me. I hope in return the ever so slightly exaggerated bits aren't lost on you. I'm aware that I'm a caricature of a terrible person sometimes, but remember that inside of my actions and words and thoughts is a guy that keeps everybody close to him close to him because he'd be worthless without them. Don't let my endearing childish behavior fool you

NOW as I enter my twenty second year I leave you with this. I've fucked up a lot, but I'm constantly working on it, (swearsies). I don't meet the traditional standards of successful yet, but I know what I've got, and I've learned to take advantage of it. We all know the best part of any relationship/movie/story is never the end, but the arduous and whimsically retarded journey between that and the beginning. We've got a lot to learn, so here's to all the shit I'll have accomplished in the next 22 years, hopefully with all of you in close touch.

I am going to be a dick and ctrl v my tumblr post

SUMMER'//TAPE by worldsgreatestbreed

HAY guys, I got bored and made a summer mixtape for you(me). Download it and think of me when ur getting drunk or taking the bus or whatever it is you do when you listen to music. It is fun and uptempo with like 20% mellowz. regular rotation stuff that makes me think of summer.
single track audio available through player, and I got lazy trying to find a filehosting site for the individual tracks so you can get it from mediafire in three different parts.

TRACKS:

1. Lil Wayne - Sorry 4 the Wait
2. Battles - Ice Cream (ft. Matias Aguayo)
3. VΛNILLΛ - Good Times
4. The XX - You've Got the Love (Theophilus London rmx)
5. Cults - Oh My God
6. Gnarlo - King of Assmilk Flowers (Tyler, the Creater vs. NMH)
7. Museum of Bellas Artes - Watch the Glow
8. Nicki Minaj - Superbass
9. Coma Cinema - Only (GOBBLEGOBBLE rmx)
10. Bad Lamps - Never Know the Difference
11. Grizz Le Beast - Rock It Out (UNK vs. Phunk-a-Delic)
12. Theophilus London - Why Even Try (RAC rmx)
13. Pony Pony Run Run - Walking On A Line (Lifelike rmx)
14. VΛNILLΛ - Feel Like I Do
15. Tyler, the Creator - Analog (ft. Hodgy Beats)
16. Star Slinger - Mornin'
17. Young Hank - Popcut
18. Madeon - Pop Culture
19. Bloc Party - I Still Remember (SebastiAn rmx)
20. M83 - Midnight City
21. Grizz Le Beast - Why You A Hoe (Ebony Eyez vs. Supermode)
22. Kanye West & Jay Z - Otis (ft. Otis Redding)
23. VΛNILLΛ - The People
24. YOUTH LAGOON - July

ALSO I should mention that this mixtape is for promotional purposes solely, and I do not claim ownership to the rights of any of the above aside from the album art. Seeing as I've only gotten permission from one of the artists officially, If you do own the rights to any of the music I have hosted here, fill me in and I will gladly accommodate any and all requests to remove said media.
Now go pretend it's sunny outside errbudy

charmed

hay again
as usual with summer comes busy
though it hasn't been much like summer at all so far. I've been trying to take advantage of the better days. And every weekend seems to be busy. I haven't been doing nearly as much as I'd planned to but a lot of serious thinking(daydreamin) has been accomplished.
For the best. I've been I suppose "soul searching" while keeping myself occupied.
Although not traditionally productive, mentally I've gotten some shit sorted out. It's been occurring to me that my mood and outlook in relativity to the season may not just be a coincidence. This particular season is fucking beguiling. Now I'm not sure if it's the weather effecting our endorphins and thereby putting almost everyone in a better mood , or the simple enchantment of everything looking moronically attractive in this light. On certain days I literally feel infatuated with everything. It's fucked.
I do know I'm never like this in later months. This place is cold as fuck, and I can't recall the last autumn/winter that I didn't have a hard fucking time keeping my head above water. Perhaps I'm just a bitch to nostalgia that time of year, but it certainly isn't a good time regardless. I've been putting off talking about how unfulfilled I've been at work and at home because in cases like this, the more prone you are to complain about your own lack of initiative, the less likely you are to actually opt for needed change. That being said, I'm really not sure what my gameplan is, but I know I'm working on one.

Victoria isn't home. routine has gotten the best of me in this place, and nothing I've displayed of myself here I even really want to be reminded of. I'll look back on my time here longingly because a human's memory is only as good as the cheap aesthetics it recalls before all else. Honestly I'd describe a great portion of my time here as a feeling of transience. I hope nobody takes that the wrong way. I have done a lot, and learned a lot about myself and a lot about people as a whole. It was all very necessary. But it has never felt permanent, and I have quite intentionally not made myself comfortable here. I want to accomplish something else, and I want an entire ensemble of new faces to like and loathe. I won't expect anywhere to complete me, or make me feel any more at home, especially without a lot of effort on my own part. It is very likely that I will never feel at home and constantly long for something I've never seen, achieved or experienced despite all the theoretical success in the world. That's everybody. But a complete overhaul on my surroundings feels necessary. Travel has always interested me, and for good reason. This idea is not just an idea. Bearing in mind I'm way ahead of myself in any sense of action, I plan to leave, maybe far, maybe just a few hours away.
This article probably puts some recent feelings more simply. if you disregard the offputting self-promotion it is an inspiring lil' read for you creatives. Some of it I already preach and some of it I should consider more seriously for myself.

In slightly more immediate news you'll notice I'm probably going to tone down digital media in my art. The more time I spend in tumblr, and reading art blogs, the more I recognize how easily people will gobble trite and obvious displays of expression. None of it means much of anything. The odd project I'll take pride in but for the most part it's me being too lazy to pick up a brush or leave the computer. It's fucking impersonal and cheap and defines a generation of apathy and mental simplicity. I just spend a lot of time here so I forget there's audience for real art. Something that doesn't lack expression or personality. literal blood, sweat, tears, cheap mediums, sentimental objects, depth in lines. Visibly tremorous brush strokes on bad days is fucking personal. I've been called pretentious more recently than humble, but anyone who knows me well knows I'm at least equal parts dumb fucking joke. I mask modesty with a dick smile for a reason. I would like to wake up every day with a sense of purpose, make myself presentable for a reason and challenge myself with something I give a shit about because when I don't I treat myself like trash. (see preceding years)
So now that I have these things in order.
I'm still where I was a year ago.
No prospects, but I guess more potential
kicking around for a fucking foothold
fuck, that was several rants.

In closing:

solstice

I didn't really think about it until today but the idea of photography has slowly become abstract as fuck to me.
It's been so long since I've tried being creative on the terms of someone or something else. I've gotten so used to drawing and painting every day or two that I've forgotten what it's like to express myself by way of manipulating something tangible instead of my own imagination. Time and place are crucial still, but nearly the opposite way in which I'm practiced.
I'm not just manifesting fucked up ideas and shitting something only vaguely relevant to the original thought onto paper. It's a much more physical craft and one I fail to treat with enough merit. but then again
Anyways
I'm enjoying the extended daylight we've been getting
The extra endorphins and realization that prospects are becoming an actuality have kept my general outlook pretty on-color. I'm finding myself drawn to things visually that months ago I would have found repulsive. It's maybe not a radical change of perspective so much as it is a change of light on the same hazy portrait. But that sounds almost ideal

and another thing
I suggest watching the whole series of these if you're into that sort of thing
genuinely interesting, informative and at times really disheartening. but a good watch

Everything is a Remix Part 3 from Kirby Ferguson on Vimeo.

your weighted inflections speak volumes

/

Summer's fucking busy
I haven't even really sat back and acknowledged the fact that I've been having fun
I just feel occupied. feelings being mulled over less, endorphins from sun and shit. It's not anything groundbreaking but it's a wider perspective which is seasonal but that way it doesn't get tired.
That town always fucks with me too. I can't describe it. But it's not good for me
I'm tired as fuck but restless. And everything feels ambiguous. everything.
but tomorrow's another week
I'll make more sense later

surname

well, It's been a while again.
though it's completely relevant to this blog I didn't mention the big painting I was working on was for a small group show at good bro, short film contributor, and huge fucking help joey's house.
I slightly regret not really inviting anyone, but I figured 50% of the people there would just be there for a party. It was a good experience though. I'll be glad to do another one when the chance arrives. overall I got the response I'd hoped for. There were talks of potential sales (I'm told) but I've hardly titled, let alone priced anything I brought with me. So next time.
Considering how almost superfluously personal it is to paint your stream of consciousness I wasn't nervous for anyone to see it. I've seen and read and thought the text so many times I forget it can come across as almost personally offensive.
there's something of a review here with a snippet about one of my pieces 3.5 paragraphs after the photo.
haha, but I plan on phasing out the text gradually
in bigger pieces anyway.
maybe work on some subjects more subtle
I don't know. But after a droning day at work, I feel motivated to keep painting. I can't look forward to dreading every fucking monday for the rest of my life
It's not only repetitive, but an accumulative hate. the more I actually spend time doing the things I love on weekends, the harder it is to deal with another starting work week
to the point where I dread really enjoying a weekend.
that's fucked up. It's about time for a step forward

back before the gloss was taken off

fuck I still need a scanner
I haven't been posting or writing or drawing as much as usual because I've been trying to fucking finish some 42”x22” board which I referred to last post
it's just been pissing myself off in shifts pretty much over the last week when I get the time to.
I'll be happy with the end result but I can't say it'll have been worth the time and grief and wishing I was working on something else
It's discipline and I'm okay with that because that's what adults do. Nothing worth feeling any sense of pride over is achieved easily. Unfortunately
it's just "winging" something that could potentially look like shit and require a second go when you really have spent enough time already, nerve racking.
Anyways, one or two more hours and it's done. hopefully no more fuck ups and/or setbacks
I want to do something else

sleep is for the week

apologies for the lack of visual enthusiasm
I was pissing myself off via paint for three hours before I sat down to draw
I don't know what it is but irl tragedy charms the shit out of me
I've been trying to balance laziness paint and enjoying the weather while it's here
it shouldn't be as hard as it is. no matter what I'm doing I feel like I should be doing something else.
but I guess that's what happens when you set a self directed deadline, your hobby becomes less enjoyable when you don't give yourself the option of apathy
it's a taste of real life i guess
anyways after last weekend I have about eight dollars in the bank so I doubt I'll do much else with my time
one of these days I'm going to consider growing up instead of pretending to

teeth

I think I've found a mnemonic
a recurring muse in the only place i've learned to look without fail
that's a shame.

I ain't an alcoholic I just drink a lot.

Another huge influence. But a positive one this time. Scroobius Pip, or David Meads. A talented lyricist and spoken word artist. I've taken a lot of interest in writing and the english language in general because of what he does. Not only just that but as an artist. I'm planning a series of paintings based on an old film adaptation of an even older play which he's quoted or sampled on a few occasions. Although I don't know if it's a good idea yet.
ANyways I noticed this morning as I couldn't get out of bed until much later than I wanted to with a blinding headache that I've been cut off at 3 different bars 3 weekends in a row. Definitely A group effort on all counts, last night no fault of my own at all. so I don't feel too bad. My regular intake is actually all around much less than it used to be. But still, to other people that probably makes me look "bad". SO, next weekend I won't do that. But I have no promises for tonight, because it's my brothers birthday evening, and part of me(most of me) wants it to be funny.
HAPPY (EARLY)BIRTHDAY DANNY

hell

I've been so fucking unmotivated this week. I'm trying, but it's not happening. I feel completely drained of drive and enthusiasm. It's a fucking writers block. Only I can't draw either. Painful, all I can do is pass the time. Weather must be fucking with me or something.
Listen to your stream of consciousness, take notes, revise. It's the creative process. But there's nothing flowing. My mind is literally a blank page. SO fucking crippling. It's only been two days, but it's making me feel like shit. I think my self esteem dropped over night, when that happens I can't be sure I like the way anything looks so I just piss on a tablet or paper and tell myself it's all I'm worth.
I need a damn pick-me-up
or dinner