charmed

hay again
as usual with summer comes busy
though it hasn't been much like summer at all so far. I've been trying to take advantage of the better days. And every weekend seems to be busy. I haven't been doing nearly as much as I'd planned to but a lot of serious thinking(daydreamin) has been accomplished.
For the best. I've been I suppose "soul searching" while keeping myself occupied.
Although not traditionally productive, mentally I've gotten some shit sorted out. It's been occurring to me that my mood and outlook in relativity to the season may not just be a coincidence. This particular season is fucking beguiling. Now I'm not sure if it's the weather effecting our endorphins and thereby putting almost everyone in a better mood , or the simple enchantment of everything looking moronically attractive in this light. On certain days I literally feel infatuated with everything. It's fucked.
I do know I'm never like this in later months. This place is cold as fuck, and I can't recall the last autumn/winter that I didn't have a hard fucking time keeping my head above water. Perhaps I'm just a bitch to nostalgia that time of year, but it certainly isn't a good time regardless. I've been putting off talking about how unfulfilled I've been at work and at home because in cases like this, the more prone you are to complain about your own lack of initiative, the less likely you are to actually opt for needed change. That being said, I'm really not sure what my gameplan is, but I know I'm working on one.

Victoria isn't home. routine has gotten the best of me in this place, and nothing I've displayed of myself here I even really want to be reminded of. I'll look back on my time here longingly because a human's memory is only as good as the cheap aesthetics it recalls before all else. Honestly I'd describe a great portion of my time here as a feeling of transience. I hope nobody takes that the wrong way. I have done a lot, and learned a lot about myself and a lot about people as a whole. It was all very necessary. But it has never felt permanent, and I have quite intentionally not made myself comfortable here. I want to accomplish something else, and I want an entire ensemble of new faces to like and loathe. I won't expect anywhere to complete me, or make me feel any more at home, especially without a lot of effort on my own part. It is very likely that I will never feel at home and constantly long for something I've never seen, achieved or experienced despite all the theoretical success in the world. That's everybody. But a complete overhaul on my surroundings feels necessary. Travel has always interested me, and for good reason. This idea is not just an idea. Bearing in mind I'm way ahead of myself in any sense of action, I plan to leave, maybe far, maybe just a few hours away.
This article probably puts some recent feelings more simply. if you disregard the offputting self-promotion it is an inspiring lil' read for you creatives. Some of it I already preach and some of it I should consider more seriously for myself.

In slightly more immediate news you'll notice I'm probably going to tone down digital media in my art. The more time I spend in tumblr, and reading art blogs, the more I recognize how easily people will gobble trite and obvious displays of expression. None of it means much of anything. The odd project I'll take pride in but for the most part it's me being too lazy to pick up a brush or leave the computer. It's fucking impersonal and cheap and defines a generation of apathy and mental simplicity. I just spend a lot of time here so I forget there's audience for real art. Something that doesn't lack expression or personality. literal blood, sweat, tears, cheap mediums, sentimental objects, depth in lines. Visibly tremorous brush strokes on bad days is fucking personal. I've been called pretentious more recently than humble, but anyone who knows me well knows I'm at least equal parts dumb fucking joke. I mask modesty with a dick smile for a reason. I would like to wake up every day with a sense of purpose, make myself presentable for a reason and challenge myself with something I give a shit about because when I don't I treat myself like trash. (see preceding years)
So now that I have these things in order.
I'm still where I was a year ago.
No prospects, but I guess more potential
kicking around for a fucking foothold
fuck, that was several rants.

In closing: