Dime in the rough

Hello, again.
I lied to you and don't have anything to show for myself since the last post. Oops! I guess I've been spending too much time around people. Also I've been having a hard time with this campaign. The title for said campaign, by the way, is Boob Art for Breast Cancer. There are pretty much no rules, it's not commission work and I am told I have complete freedom as to how I interpret the title and theme. But with a title like that it's pretty obvious what's going to be accentuated in most/all of the other pieces. My biggest concern is that I will make something utterly offensive. I've never tried to express something positive in what I do. At least in regards to humanity as a whole. I feel the very thought conflicts with my swag(that word was a joke) and the only thing I'll be able to make if I try will read completely uncomfortable and contrived. So it's kind of fun. It's a serious challenge for me, and there is a deadline, so I'll show you what happens when it happens I guess.

I've been looking to broaden my horizons when it comes to expression lately. I've noticed in the past few months that I have a very hard time committing to one format. I've been slowly pseudo-researching several things of interest in my spare time. These things include film, photography, visual art(duh), gentlemen's fashion(shut up), and I've been dabbling with the thought of getting into music for the past ever, too. I have no complaints on any of these things. It's nice to genuinely care about so many modes of self, but it does pose a few problems.
NUMBER ONE: If I choose to pursue interest and advancement in all of these categories, my productivity in each one will decrease by 80%. Also, assuming I spend equal portions of time individually, my overall potential for success in each field will be reduced by roughly 80% as well(I'm talking flat stats, and not taking into consideration how well I'll take to each one.)
ALTHOUGH I should add I am unable to calculate the increase in personal and financial value if I am actually SUCCESSFUL in two or more of these categories as opposed to just one. this one hurts.
NUMBER TWO: balance would be fucking impossibly difficult. Even as it was with just art I never felt like I was spending enough time advancing.
OH AND NUMBER THREE: If I don't succeed at making money with one of these I will spend my life completely broke. Equipment is money. The dream is to convince someone to pay me to continue learning on my own terms, give me all the resources that I need to make what I want, and only represent the things and people that I choose to. I think even at that point the dream would cease to be, because the fun of being a starving artist is finding a way to make the things you want to with VERY few resources. It's inspired living bro.

On the same vein of a subject, I was shopping at h&m the other day, and besides the obvious several thousand reasons, couldn't figure out why I was ashamed to be shopping there. I mean yeah, the crowd, prices, and general assistant shopper-y vibe you get there is bad. But it was something different, and almost personal. Stay with me, I'm making a point. After a while of people asking me why my butt was so tight on the subject, I realized that somewhere along the way I developed standards. I really couldn't care less if people want to call me a hipster for doing or wearing what I feel like doing and wearing. At the end of the day people will be quick to label things to keep the world as they see it simpler and within understanding. Whether it's a social class, art form, even shit as arbitrary as food. I'm not talking about labels either because 9 out of 10 times I will pay for the fit before the brand.
I'm talking about uncompromising quality of presentation. if I'm going to attempt to dress well, I'll attempt to dress well. And by this I mean understand what I'm wearing and why I'm spending hard earned money on it. If I had several more figures at my disposal I would pay for quality merchandise. Shit that wasn't made in a sweatshop, and that is made with material that isn't visibly falling apart, but I don't. With the means I have, which I can tell you for true is less than most people living on their own, I do fine. I get shit from a thrift store that doesn't have a reputable brand name or commercially distinct swag(nice) because I like the way it looks and I like that people can't quickly associate it with any kind of cheap flavorless promotion. If I had the skill and knowledge I would be making my own clothes, but that would take the better part of my life. I don't claim to be any authority on this, but every girl who thinks men get out of bed in the morning to impress them seems to think they are, so why the fuck not. (And no, that wasn't transference. I've met several girls with several complexes.)

Now I probably sound pretty fucking shallow after that, so let me give you a disclaimer. I don't give a fuck what you wear. And by that I mean I don't judge you for dressing or not dressing the way you want. Well I guess yeah, if you're not dressing the way you want I judge you. What I'm saying is we all have influences that are acquired over years of observation and personal change, and sometimes these influences clash. This is where the human trait called understanding comes in. If you don't like something I'm wearing that's your business, but I'm completely conscious of every decision I make when I dress and everything I put on has a reason to be there. If you seriously think you have the authority to try to undermine my well thought out decisions I will resort to satirical quips like "just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it's not better than you" that will be completely misread. You won't recognize that when it happens so I guess the high road here will just be my little secret.

Anyways, on the subject of vanity I've figured out something that's pretty motivational. I know everybody thinks they have one thing that sets them apart from everyone else. Something that gives them the upper hand at success in whatever they're passionate about. Even if it's not true, we tell ourselves it is because it keeps us sane. But mine's for real, and mine sets me apart from 99% of the population. What I'm talking about is my almost complete lack of libido. At first it was kind of forced. Maybe I was punishing myself for failure, or just living in fear of future failures, but after a few months of hitting this new girl named logic it made complete sense. It's like that episode of Seinfeld where George refuses to let his sex drive conflict with his actions and motives , in turn allowing him to make complete use of his brain.
I've never been so disinterested in the thoughts of others. And this allows complete focus and uncompromised control of self representation. I'm blowing smoke up my own butt right now(I might be a narcissist¿) , but I really do believe it gives me an advantage. Now before you start(keep) talking about detachment issues and how you think I'm a homo when I'm not around let me state some things. I'm not devoid of feeling, I do still get boners, and yeah I'll probably eventually date again. But as far as I'm concerned right now logic and personal well-being are closer bros than my dick is. I'm constantly asked why I'm not dating or fucking, and the simple answer of self-respect is so fucking baffling that people almost take it personally. If it means I'm fucked up for the moment I'm seriously okay with that because I won't ever have to drop friends, and I'm one in at least a million that gets to interpret their own personal meaning of life.(most people think it's sex if u didn't know)

Jesus, that's optimism. In short I'm pretty fucking stoked to be alive in body and mind lately. What I'm doing by writing this down for you all to read is either documenting my road to success, or complete failure. At the end of each road there is opportunity for literary inspiration though. Still gonna aim for the first. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed my autobiographical novel

in case all that writing didn't do it for you check this shit out

real people have problems too

o and for those of you that don't know, i have a tumblr for my photos now. This blog is a bit more srs content driven so you can look there for pictures I don't know how to take yet. Probably post some here as they get more relevant.
I finally found something to paint on today and also in the next month(s) I will be making something for a campaign to raise money for breast cancer, so I will be back soon with something to show for myself and also more details on the latter.

I am going to be a dick and ctrl v my tumblr post

SUMMER'//TAPE by worldsgreatestbreed

HAY guys, I got bored and made a summer mixtape for you(me). Download it and think of me when ur getting drunk or taking the bus or whatever it is you do when you listen to music. It is fun and uptempo with like 20% mellowz. regular rotation stuff that makes me think of summer.
single track audio available through player, and I got lazy trying to find a filehosting site for the individual tracks so you can get it from mediafire in three different parts.

TRACKS:

1. Lil Wayne - Sorry 4 the Wait
2. Battles - Ice Cream (ft. Matias Aguayo)
3. VΛNILLΛ - Good Times
4. The XX - You've Got the Love (Theophilus London rmx)
5. Cults - Oh My God
6. Gnarlo - King of Assmilk Flowers (Tyler, the Creater vs. NMH)
7. Museum of Bellas Artes - Watch the Glow
8. Nicki Minaj - Superbass
9. Coma Cinema - Only (GOBBLEGOBBLE rmx)
10. Bad Lamps - Never Know the Difference
11. Grizz Le Beast - Rock It Out (UNK vs. Phunk-a-Delic)
12. Theophilus London - Why Even Try (RAC rmx)
13. Pony Pony Run Run - Walking On A Line (Lifelike rmx)
14. VΛNILLΛ - Feel Like I Do
15. Tyler, the Creator - Analog (ft. Hodgy Beats)
16. Star Slinger - Mornin'
17. Young Hank - Popcut
18. Madeon - Pop Culture
19. Bloc Party - I Still Remember (SebastiAn rmx)
20. M83 - Midnight City
21. Grizz Le Beast - Why You A Hoe (Ebony Eyez vs. Supermode)
22. Kanye West & Jay Z - Otis (ft. Otis Redding)
23. VΛNILLΛ - The People
24. YOUTH LAGOON - July

ALSO I should mention that this mixtape is for promotional purposes solely, and I do not claim ownership to the rights of any of the above aside from the album art. Seeing as I've only gotten permission from one of the artists officially, If you do own the rights to any of the music I have hosted here, fill me in and I will gladly accommodate any and all requests to remove said media.
Now go pretend it's sunny outside errbudy

charmed

hay again
as usual with summer comes busy
though it hasn't been much like summer at all so far. I've been trying to take advantage of the better days. And every weekend seems to be busy. I haven't been doing nearly as much as I'd planned to but a lot of serious thinking(daydreamin) has been accomplished.
For the best. I've been I suppose "soul searching" while keeping myself occupied.
Although not traditionally productive, mentally I've gotten some shit sorted out. It's been occurring to me that my mood and outlook in relativity to the season may not just be a coincidence. This particular season is fucking beguiling. Now I'm not sure if it's the weather effecting our endorphins and thereby putting almost everyone in a better mood , or the simple enchantment of everything looking moronically attractive in this light. On certain days I literally feel infatuated with everything. It's fucked.
I do know I'm never like this in later months. This place is cold as fuck, and I can't recall the last autumn/winter that I didn't have a hard fucking time keeping my head above water. Perhaps I'm just a bitch to nostalgia that time of year, but it certainly isn't a good time regardless. I've been putting off talking about how unfulfilled I've been at work and at home because in cases like this, the more prone you are to complain about your own lack of initiative, the less likely you are to actually opt for needed change. That being said, I'm really not sure what my gameplan is, but I know I'm working on one.

Victoria isn't home. routine has gotten the best of me in this place, and nothing I've displayed of myself here I even really want to be reminded of. I'll look back on my time here longingly because a human's memory is only as good as the cheap aesthetics it recalls before all else. Honestly I'd describe a great portion of my time here as a feeling of transience. I hope nobody takes that the wrong way. I have done a lot, and learned a lot about myself and a lot about people as a whole. It was all very necessary. But it has never felt permanent, and I have quite intentionally not made myself comfortable here. I want to accomplish something else, and I want an entire ensemble of new faces to like and loathe. I won't expect anywhere to complete me, or make me feel any more at home, especially without a lot of effort on my own part. It is very likely that I will never feel at home and constantly long for something I've never seen, achieved or experienced despite all the theoretical success in the world. That's everybody. But a complete overhaul on my surroundings feels necessary. Travel has always interested me, and for good reason. This idea is not just an idea. Bearing in mind I'm way ahead of myself in any sense of action, I plan to leave, maybe far, maybe just a few hours away.
This article probably puts some recent feelings more simply. if you disregard the offputting self-promotion it is an inspiring lil' read for you creatives. Some of it I already preach and some of it I should consider more seriously for myself.

In slightly more immediate news you'll notice I'm probably going to tone down digital media in my art. The more time I spend in tumblr, and reading art blogs, the more I recognize how easily people will gobble trite and obvious displays of expression. None of it means much of anything. The odd project I'll take pride in but for the most part it's me being too lazy to pick up a brush or leave the computer. It's fucking impersonal and cheap and defines a generation of apathy and mental simplicity. I just spend a lot of time here so I forget there's audience for real art. Something that doesn't lack expression or personality. literal blood, sweat, tears, cheap mediums, sentimental objects, depth in lines. Visibly tremorous brush strokes on bad days is fucking personal. I've been called pretentious more recently than humble, but anyone who knows me well knows I'm at least equal parts dumb fucking joke. I mask modesty with a dick smile for a reason. I would like to wake up every day with a sense of purpose, make myself presentable for a reason and challenge myself with something I give a shit about because when I don't I treat myself like trash. (see preceding years)
So now that I have these things in order.
I'm still where I was a year ago.
No prospects, but I guess more potential
kicking around for a fucking foothold
fuck, that was several rants.

In closing:

solstice

I didn't really think about it until today but the idea of photography has slowly become abstract as fuck to me.
It's been so long since I've tried being creative on the terms of someone or something else. I've gotten so used to drawing and painting every day or two that I've forgotten what it's like to express myself by way of manipulating something tangible instead of my own imagination. Time and place are crucial still, but nearly the opposite way in which I'm practiced.
I'm not just manifesting fucked up ideas and shitting something only vaguely relevant to the original thought onto paper. It's a much more physical craft and one I fail to treat with enough merit. but then again
Anyways
I'm enjoying the extended daylight we've been getting
The extra endorphins and realization that prospects are becoming an actuality have kept my general outlook pretty on-color. I'm finding myself drawn to things visually that months ago I would have found repulsive. It's maybe not a radical change of perspective so much as it is a change of light on the same hazy portrait. But that sounds almost ideal

and another thing
I suggest watching the whole series of these if you're into that sort of thing
genuinely interesting, informative and at times really disheartening. but a good watch

Everything is a Remix Part 3 from Kirby Ferguson on Vimeo.

your weighted inflections speak volumes

/

Summer's fucking busy
I haven't even really sat back and acknowledged the fact that I've been having fun
I just feel occupied. feelings being mulled over less, endorphins from sun and shit. It's not anything groundbreaking but it's a wider perspective which is seasonal but that way it doesn't get tired.
That town always fucks with me too. I can't describe it. But it's not good for me
I'm tired as fuck but restless. And everything feels ambiguous. everything.
but tomorrow's another week
I'll make more sense later