it's not a load that you can spit

I'm fucking discouraged.
As per unfortunate timing today I received an "If I weren't such a nice guy, you'd be fired right now.", and with a comment like that it's very hard to hold yourself in any kind of esteem. I don't give a fuck about the trivialities that preceded and caused it because it was minor. What gets me is the fact that at this point in my life I can't do anything but eat that shit. We're surrounded by people that encourage our failure and usually it doesn't get to me because I know what I want and anything else is just a distraction. And I've learned after some time that if you're not willing to change a shitty situation for yourself you have no right to complain.
But this incredibly long four day week has got me questioning what it is I'm even capable of and as a result my own reflection inspires little more than disgust in me. I'd cringe if my body didn't feel such indifference. I want my arrogance back. I don't want to regress into this apathetic self loathing piece of shit. But fuck, nothing gets to me worse than the fact that this will only change naturally. I should just get drunk at the beach. nothing else will happen