post script

Tomorrow at work I might be offered another full time position, and it got me thinking why it is I can never commit to full-time work. I'll admit it's partly just out of lethargy but it could never be just that. I've always got some kind of lack of money. but money's never been big on my list of priorities. It confuses most people because we were all taught that the paper chase is the most crucial for a good life, but I give a fuck about a lot of things before I'll spring for a financially higher standard of living. Probably has something to do with the fact that I don't give a fuck about getting laid like most dudes. But back to what I do care about. I've learned to live a lifestyle I'm comfortable with on just a part time pay. I get by fine, get the shit I need, I pursue my real interests. That time is more valuable than most figures, it's all I care about anymore. so fuck it, fuck writing off my dreams for disposable income. that's bullshit. I respect that it works for some people, I'm just not one of them. I fucking hope I can avoid that position, and I hope other people can grow the fuck up and try to respect me for having a different kind of ambition. It's the first time I've shown any.
Also I'm realizing pursuing this shit is going to mean becoming more socially active, connections. Eventually I have to stop emotionally resigning myself to this murky perception I have of everyone. I can keep yelling bitches from my stupid livingroom but they're still going to be there. And being a bitter asshole just means that I'm letting ghosts win. you can't even see ghosts. I'm as weak as I've ever been, I've just learned some hard ass lessons and become as jaded as everyone else. I just deal with it in a different way. I can still appreciate companionship and shared interest. art is collaborative, and people to fuck shit up with is all I really want. fuck that bourgeois lifestyle, I have an opportunity to try so I'm going to stick with it. I've got to swallow this counterfeit pride and hopefully keep this mentality. I think I'm always going to be cynical but I've picked the right profession if that's the case. If distaste is all I ever have to express then I'll fucking tag it up.