ALL ABOARD THE DAVIE TRAIN

new years made us this way

2012-01-05T20:43:00.000-08:00

I wish I had more time to post. I guess I could've over the week I had off, but I didn't.To recap, I saw (almost)everyone I wanted to see over the holiday. And it was real good. Everyone includes kanye and jay z

Thanks to my favorite person of the year I got to slap him five(with the rest of the front 2 rows). It was emotionally exhausting. In a good way. Not something that I have the time to even describe right now. My failed attempt at competing with such a gift was buying him the Glow in the Dark biographical photo essay and drawing this picture

at least it was an effort. There was visiting home briefly and that's as nice as it is every year. there was new years, which was poorly planned but ended up being one of my favorites so far.i got this drunk with five people and didn't even stain my shirt

and also I found out I'll be doing an installation for the ministry of casual living on the 20th, so between working 40-48 hours a week at my retarded dayjob, and preparing everything I want to have prepared for the installation, there's been little time for anything. I'm approaching this display a lot more seriously than the last. I had no idea what the feedback would be like in Spring and also didn't really care because it was 70% just a house party, and the shit i submitted was mostly stuff i just had around the house. I'm actually having fun with this one.On a similar note, one of the few awesome people still surviving in poop town messaged me asking if I want to do some art for his line, in his shop which is the only good shop in poop town. So when I'm not sleeping, working, eating or painting something else I'm planning on doing that. Aside from those two things, the first quarter of 2012 will entail me attempting to get maybe a portfolio together, if not just to have an archive of my work. I've noticed it's all kind of just in piles around my house and that's not very practical. Maybe I'll do some submissions too. Anyways. I'll post you when more relevant stuff happens or I have the time to articulate some thoughts because I've had lots of them.

2011-12-04T21:50:00.000-08:00

I had an actual post. With text and unnecessary condemning statements and everything, but I think instead of barfin' every fleeting thought as it comes to me I'll save them, and take notes. Nothing materializes of writing here. A few people read, mostly keep their thoughts to themselves and I continue on not having anything to show for it. There's no growth, nothing tangible, just exaggerated admission that I sometimes get the feeling unnerves some people. I think I'll try to incorporate some of the more relevant points into something. I got some half baked Ideas but those don't usually materialize either. I'm getting pretty ridiculous with lack of censorship in posting and I should probably think about the many bad lights I'm displaying myself in. I don't know if everybody takes into account that I only post when I have negative things to say, and that I don't think negative things the rest of the time I'm not writing. Just a reminder. As much as I don't care now, I might turn into a loser who regrets things later. god forbid. anyways if this creative preservation thing doesn't pan out you'll hear from me again soon and it will be pretty obvious if I've given up on it.
christmas is soon and that means lots of busy good stuff usually. also a transitional stage is overdue and maybe committing to things will be a resolution in the new year because growing up is the most fundamental part of growing up
c u later

thank god it's not Christmas

2011-11-22T20:00:00.000-08:00

We're all solipsistic people. We don't acknowledge it, and most don't even grasp it firmly enough to admit it. but we are. Most of us.
We don't care about each other nearly as much as we care about how accommodating our own surroundings are. And achieving this level of comfort requires meaningful, heartfelt, or just convincing enough compassion. Being the confidant or expressing empathy.
Personal security requires some emotional investments in other people. It's a safe bet; people are cheap, the payoff is immediate, and if you play your cards right, long-lasting. We all pay through the teeth every day without even thinking about it.
I can't count the compliments I've given that I really couldn't tell I'd actually meant, except for the fact that they sounded both very nice and very true. The same goes for smacktalk. This doesn't make me a bad person, but I won't sit here and say it makes me a good person either. I'm just observant. and I often neglect my filters because emotional bias has no place in addressing the objective state of being. which apparently I really enjoy.
I could both deeply insult and profoundly compliment every remotely close friend I keep without a second thought.
This has it's benefits and handicaps, but abusing the most profitable one would be exploitation and I wouldn't like myself. And you don't seem like a sucker who likes being belittled. A person will believe anything you say to them about themselves as long as it's flattering, so I make pretty sure It's important and that (I think) I mean it. I'm an asshole to people I actually think something of because flattery is too easy. You have every right not to take it as a compliment. I just like acknowledging things. I'll work on it when it gets boring.

I'm aware this is all a very pessimistic viewpoint and not everyone's going to be open to it. But there are merits to it that I hope don't get overlooked just because it wrecks your boner.

in conclusion
solipsism: weird stuff !!

The cost of observation

2011-10-27T17:09:00.000-07:00

hey! It's me again. David!
I'm coming here to confirm that everything I predicted about the change in season was right. I don't know if it triggers some form of lament and I impose some silly self destruction for that reason alone, but fall is always just batshit unpleasant. The difference this year is that I'm casually rolling with the punches. I don't feel overwhelmed but it certainly hasn't been the best year(month) of my life so far. The creative drive is back, and I'm always a little intrigued how the two uncannily correlate to each other.
I was reading a book yesterday
just kidding, it was a graphic novel. regardless I was reading a book yesterday.
It was quite enjoyable actually, I rarely find the time or patience to read text that isn't backlit. The book itself I wasn't actually big on. The art seemed dated, the kind of stuff you'd see framed in an equally dated and barren restaurant. Maybe even a mcdonalds. wasn't my thing. All of the text in the book was narrated from the perspective of a third party and being so, didn't warrant thought or dialogue bubbles, which was interesting.. but it was written pretty incredibly dryly. And intentionally dryly. y'know, so it's kinda charming?
anyway very little about the book actually engaged me until I noticed how well I could identify with the main character, who was a detached middle-aged bachelor, and succesful playwright. He was charmless and severly socially awkward. Deriving all of his inspiration from his own life observations and personal shortcomings. He was prolific, because he kept to himself, took notes on everything, and the few close relationships he held he squandered for his own personal gain; exploiting his brothers retardation in a (succesful)attempt to write and award-winning play. His mother and father hadn't spoken to him since, but to him it was worth the trouble because the playwright never wastes good material. ever.
And while the majority of the book was about his love/sex(or lack thereof) life and the interest in, the message was the same. It's about a distanced sexless creatively productive type, who later quits writing altogether in order to settle down and take part in the practice of life instead of the study. I don't know if it was intended, but the happy ending was depressing as hell. This dude was either in or of the world everyone else was living in, but had no option to do both

now I'll put this out on the table right now: I'm not middle aged. which means I don't claim to be in the cold and removed state of this character. But the fact remains that this old shithead was incredibly and comfortably relatable for me. Moreso than any youthful character in any other story. I've mentioned a lot before how I have a hard time switching gears from the loud social and thoughtlessly elated version of myself to the "work" version of myself. Whether it's going to my place of employment on a monday or just spending time alone for introspective reflection, or to work on a painting. The two are polar opposites, and they seem to clash when they get too close to each other. It only stands to reason that eventually one will overpower the other.

I'm not above the notion that this affliction is nothing more than a self-fulfilling prophecy. But the worry remains in the back of my head. I've never been creatively and socially active at the same time, so I stress that the conclusion is either or. With a personality like mine, the dichotomy isn't an accommodating one. Exploit your relationships, or embrace them. Live a happy and mediocre life , or a detached but revered one. blah blah or blah blah.

this is merely a stream of consciousness for now because I apparently have things to do today that aren't fixing drafts for myself to read. but it felt necessary to leave a reminder to draw a conclusion, eventually, before resigning myself to the fate of one or the other . I guarantee I take all advice with a dumptruck full of salt, but on this one if you can at all relate, you understand it's not as self imposed a dilemma as it sounds. drop me some hot cents if u got em

I'm becoming one myself

2011-10-11T19:17:00.000-07:00

I haven't had much to say lately because I've been choking on a lot of pride. Haven't done much worth noting and would be too sloppy to note it. while this blog has always been therapeutic first and foremost, I also do my best to keep it flowing smoothly and coherently for the few interested or bored enough to read.
If you've been paying attention you've noticed by now that things don't change a lot. Simply because I don't want to change them. I'm the kind of person that will quite readily make himself comfortable no matter how uncomfortable I am, wherever I am. It gets to a point that's easy, I learn how it works and use it to my advantage(if at all possible). As much as this is a good thing, in the way that I can adapt easily, it's also a pretty big handicap.
The past couple years for example, I've made the choice to opt for very little change, because I fear a new perspective will change the way I operate. I haven't felt comfortable or "at home" in years, ever. and I've made that totally acceptable. I worry I'll stop being passionate and exploring subjects that I now feel strongly about. Keeping in mind I'm aware anything I explore at this point won't come from a place of naivety, I still worry a lack of belief or virtue will start to bleed through in all of it and I'll consider myself a dirty hack.
I don't have beef with happiness. positive emotions can be cool as hell. But I have a problem with people who shut out their other emotions, and judge me for acknowledging the rest in such an unapologetic manner. A smile is usually cheap, terrible movies make me smile. but to stare at something bitter, and unrelenting in the face, fully understand it and learn to smile with it. That's something you take home with you, something that reminds you sleep shouldn't always come easy, and that's fine. A drunken shark with a knife in your peripheral vision is still a drunken shark with a knife

I'm honest with myself as often as I can be, because if I wasn't I wouldn't trust myself. But I don't see that anybody conducts themselves the same way. My biggest shit is people who don't acknowledge themselves for who they are. If I can invoke something you've been denying yourself or make you feel like shit for what you're playing off as acceptable behavior for cheap grins, I'm satisfied. If it offends you, oops! But your counterfeit pearlies offend me. and despite how big an asshole it makes me look it isn't always easy to put out there; this is far from schadenfreude.
The nature of what I make and say is incredibly public, and incredibly revealing. So revealing that I forget everyone else has to actually observe and asses their own version of me, before they can even come close to knowing me. I've known people for years that still give me the same advice that I'd never even consider taking, and believe firmly against in a lot of cases. I'm almost offended that some people can't fathom my actions or beliefs without a very thorough and yet very simple explanation. Not that I really consider my own behavior approachable. If anything this blog has become an assisting tool in interpretation. But then again I guess this could be summed up with that entry about subtlety. next week: moderation.
Anyways I'm sorry if your impression of me has ever been "dick for no reason". What I'm actually trying to get at is that I can't condone gratifying denial or insecurities by letting you shoot blind cats in a barrel. This goes beyond childish envy of a simpler or larger capacity for happiness, though that shit does explode my mind sometimes. Life is open to interpretation and that's exactly what gives it any meaning. Stop focusing blindly on the black and white, because you're missing the super pretty 98 shades of grey in between. Your emotions hold incredible value, and they all need to be acknowledged. Swim in your shit and your bathwater, etcetera.
I'm sure I'm close to repeating myself with this entry, but it's worth the extra bit of clarity. As for everything else I said, I exaggerated a bit and I'm still planning on moving(eventually. still.) as much as I fear change, the fate of a broken record is way the fuck worse than the fate of a flimsy but audible record. you can count on something happening whenever I stop saying the things I always say. you'll know it when you see it

2011-10-07T16:51:00.000-07:00

the new blogspot interface informed me of my blog's 4,000th view today
considering how long I've been posting that's pretty unimpressive, but more detailed stats inform me that I have more than four readers which both surprises me and I guess really doesn't matter because it's all crap.
anyways here's the stuff I would've posted regardless and most of you have probably seen anyway
again without much comment. I can't take full credit for any of them because I just noticed they're all quotes. That's embarrassing. guess them all and I'll draw you whatever you like

happy thanksgiving pilgrims

2011-09-29T16:57:00.000-07:00

I haven't done anything since I turned 22 besides getting a new cool scar on my face, so here's some old stuff you might not have seen yet. All very unrelated

the practice of subtlety

2011-09-19T21:52:00.000-07:00

This is probably a ridiculous subject coming from me since a number of themes and topics I explore in art and writing are all but blatant. But you'll get what I mean when you get what I mean. Those of you who know me personally, know I'm far less outspoken in person than I am here. Far less eloquent on the spot anyways, as most everyone is. That's natural, but aside from that I do keep a lot to myself, and with good reason.

In the past I don't know how long, I've been working on observing the human character, or i guess "condition". I've been pissed and distraught, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I had taken everything like a pansy, and made the choice to lose. I don't believe in(barring some extreme circumstances) anybody playing the victim at the hand of someone else. It's a crutch, made out of poop. Everyone has problems, and everybody knows this. A lot of the time we earn them, play into them, and deny it. I felt I had a much different way of dealing with mine than everyone else; it was a treadmill. So I decided to take the bench and watch the actual race. To get a better idea of the nuances, subtleties and idiosyncrasies that are oh so acceptable forms of social behavior. To accordingly plan my own actions. I started taking notes. And one of the first taken, was one of the more prominent: Transparency is ugly as hell.

This cool old guy named Jesus is quoted as saying something along the lines of (depending which version of the same book you're reading): "A prophet is not without honour, save in his own country, and among his own kin, and in his own house."- Mark 6:4
Or for those of you that don't read books, "familiarity breeds contempt." It's more likely you've heard that one. It's a bit bleak, maybe extreme, but arguably the most true thing you've ever heard. We've all been told never to meet our idols for a reason; we don't want to know that they're human. To be human is to be faulty, predictable, and fragile. If I knew the process behind every piece of art or film I've ever loved I'd be depressed and disappointed.
I can assume you've experienced boredom and been devoid of lust or charm when growing familiar with someone you were at one point attracted to. I now find an incredible amount of worth in the fact that I scarcely gain more personal momentum than eye-contact with the people I find to be most appealing in passing. It is fulfilling, intimate, and the most elating severance you will ever experience. Every expectation out of this person was met through the brief exchange of two-second glance. There is nothing I find dreamier than a potential relationship I'll never have to experience. I make it my business to hang out where the dreamer and the realist hump(or make eye contact and keep walking) but I guess again bear in mind that this is coming from a dude taking mental notes on social manipulation

Attraction is observation, the things we gather from our very limited resources of the "first impression". This is almost always at least 80% aesthetic. If you're satisfied from the instance of a single glance, compare the odds that things will get better from here, to the odds that things between you and this person will not materialize and that your symmetrical, or a-symmetrical personalities will not accommodate each other. Again, not a defeatist attitude, this is a logical and viable practice that I will fight you over. I've seen some of my favorite minds resort to the lowest form of behavior as a result of the shortcomings of their own most prized and dependable affinities. Meanwhile I'm off somewhere having the best 2 seconds of my life. Who's the winner here? let's fight.
But this goes for all relations, even the frivolous, or the unfortunately necessary. Be a vigilant and secretly condescending asshole when you market yourself. Insecurities are hard to shrug off, but don't kid yourself. They're visible as long as they're there. For all the great things you have to say for yourself and about what you represent, It's clear why you're saying them instead of letting someone else.
It's not the diarrhea you're taking on the table that makes people interested in you, it's the diarrhea you have in your pocket. And the confidence you show keeping it there.
okay, bad analogy. It's the attractive new watch you're wearing that you don't need to tell anyone about because you know they'll take notice. Be aloof. If they don't notice, you need practice at getting cool watches. And this is almost a better position to be in, because you'll manage and control hard earned success much better than you'll manage the loose dump you took on the table. Curate your attributes wisely. Take notes. Practice. Keep your most valuable secrets, or have them stick out your cuff a bit by accident.

if you're wondering, the irony of the revealing nature of this post has not been lost on me. I hope in return the ever so slightly exaggerated bits aren't lost on you. I'm aware that I'm a caricature of a terrible person sometimes, but remember that inside of my actions and words and thoughts is a guy that keeps everybody close to him close to him because he'd be worthless without them. Don't let my endearing childish behavior fool you

NOW as I enter my twenty second year I leave you with this. I've fucked up a lot, but I'm constantly working on it, (swearsies). I don't meet the traditional standards of successful yet, but I know what I've got, and I've learned to take advantage of it. We all know the best part of any relationship/movie/story is never the end, but the arduous and whimsically retarded journey between that and the beginning. We've got a lot to learn, so here's to all the shit I'll have accomplished in the next 22 years, hopefully with all of you in close touch.

brief season

2011-09-13T17:55:00.000-07:00

if you don't miss the summer yet I got something that wants you to. I don't particularly care for the concept of either but they're executed well and poignant @ all of you lacking a little more freedom and exuberance with every passing season. of course this is assuming you have 9 minutes to spare outside of your work/school, which you don't. see what I did there?
merry christmas

Wintercoats // Working on a Dream from Feel Good Lost on Vimeo.

Youth Lagoon - Montana from Tyler T Williams on Vimeo.

aw now you're depressed. or you should be. if you're not you're probably a smarmy cynic, in which case you have bigger problems that I don't care about.
anyway for those of you that think borderline crappy nostalgia is gay you can pretend the latter is about danny mcbride wearing a white t-shirt chasing an armyghost and burning stuff. there, now you like it.
I'll be back to post something COOL and verbose about myself soon, don't worry

Dime in the rough

2011-08-15T19:25:00.000-07:00

Hello, again.
I lied to you and don't have anything to show for myself since the last post. Oops! I guess I've been spending too much time around people. Also I've been having a hard time with this campaign. The title for said campaign, by the way, is Boob Art for Breast Cancer. There are pretty much no rules, it's not commission work and I am told I have complete freedom as to how I interpret the title and theme. But with a title like that it's pretty obvious what's going to be accentuated in most/all of the other pieces. My biggest concern is that I will make something utterly offensive. I've never tried to express something positive in what I do. At least in regards to humanity as a whole. I feel the very thought conflicts with my swag(that word was a joke) and the only thing I'll be able to make if I try will read completely uncomfortable and contrived. So it's kind of fun. It's a serious challenge for me, and there is a deadline, so I'll show you what happens when it happens I guess.

I've been looking to broaden my horizons when it comes to expression lately. I've noticed in the past few months that I have a very hard time committing to one format. I've been slowly pseudo-researching several things of interest in my spare time. These things include film, photography, visual art(duh), gentlemen's fashion(shut up), and I've been dabbling with the thought of getting into music for the past ever, too. I have no complaints on any of these things. It's nice to genuinely care about so many modes of self, but it does pose a few problems.
NUMBER ONE: If I choose to pursue interest and advancement in all of these categories, my productivity in each one will decrease by 80%. Also, assuming I spend equal portions of time individually, my overall potential for success in each field will be reduced by roughly 80% as well(I'm talking flat stats, and not taking into consideration how well I'll take to each one.)
ALTHOUGH I should add I am unable to calculate the increase in personal and financial value if I am actually SUCCESSFUL in two or more of these categories as opposed to just one. this one hurts.
NUMBER TWO: balance would be fucking impossibly difficult. Even as it was with just art I never felt like I was spending enough time advancing.
OH AND NUMBER THREE: If I don't succeed at making money with one of these I will spend my life completely broke. Equipment is money. The dream is to convince someone to pay me to continue learning on my own terms, give me all the resources that I need to make what I want, and only represent the things and people that I choose to. I think even at that point the dream would cease to be, because the fun of being a starving artist is finding a way to make the things you want to with VERY few resources. It's inspired living bro.

On the same vein of a subject, I was shopping at h&m the other day, and besides the obvious several thousand reasons, couldn't figure out why I was ashamed to be shopping there. I mean yeah, the crowd, prices, and general assistant shopper-y vibe you get there is bad. But it was something different, and almost personal. Stay with me, I'm making a point. After a while of people asking me why my butt was so tight on the subject, I realized that somewhere along the way I developed standards. I really couldn't care less if people want to call me a hipster for doing or wearing what I feel like doing and wearing. At the end of the day people will be quick to label things to keep the world as they see it simpler and within understanding. Whether it's a social class, art form, even shit as arbitrary as food. I'm not talking about labels either because 9 out of 10 times I will pay for the fit before the brand.
I'm talking about uncompromising quality of presentation. if I'm going to attempt to dress well, I'll attempt to dress well. And by this I mean understand what I'm wearing and why I'm spending hard earned money on it. If I had several more figures at my disposal I would pay for quality merchandise. Shit that wasn't made in a sweatshop, and that is made with material that isn't visibly falling apart, but I don't. With the means I have, which I can tell you for true is less than most people living on their own, I do fine. I get shit from a thrift store that doesn't have a reputable brand name or commercially distinct swag(nice) because I like the way it looks and I like that people can't quickly associate it with any kind of cheap flavorless promotion. If I had the skill and knowledge I would be making my own clothes, but that would take the better part of my life. I don't claim to be any authority on this, but every girl who thinks men get out of bed in the morning to impress them seems to think they are, so why the fuck not. (And no, that wasn't transference. I've met several girls with several complexes.)

Now I probably sound pretty fucking shallow after that, so let me give you a disclaimer. I don't give a fuck what you wear. And by that I mean I don't judge you for dressing or not dressing the way you want. Well I guess yeah, if you're not dressing the way you want I judge you. What I'm saying is we all have influences that are acquired over years of observation and personal change, and sometimes these influences clash. This is where the human trait called understanding comes in. If you don't like something I'm wearing that's your business, but I'm completely conscious of every decision I make when I dress and everything I put on has a reason to be there. If you seriously think you have the authority to try to undermine my well thought out decisions I will resort to satirical quips like "just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it's not better than you" that will be completely misread. You won't recognize that when it happens so I guess the high road here will just be my little secret.

Anyways, on the subject of vanity I've figured out something that's pretty motivational. I know everybody thinks they have one thing that sets them apart from everyone else. Something that gives them the upper hand at success in whatever they're passionate about. Even if it's not true, we tell ourselves it is because it keeps us sane. But mine's for real, and mine sets me apart from 99% of the population. What I'm talking about is my almost complete lack of libido. At first it was kind of forced. Maybe I was punishing myself for failure, or just living in fear of future failures, but after a few months of hitting this new girl named logic it made complete sense. It's like that episode of Seinfeld where George refuses to let his sex drive conflict with his actions and motives , in turn allowing him to make complete use of his brain.
I've never been so disinterested in the thoughts of others. And this allows complete focus and uncompromised control of self representation. I'm blowing smoke up my own butt right now(I might be a narcissist¿) , but I really do believe it gives me an advantage. Now before you start(keep) talking about detachment issues and how you think I'm a homo when I'm not around let me state some things. I'm not devoid of feeling, I do still get boners, and yeah I'll probably eventually date again. But as far as I'm concerned right now logic and personal well-being are closer bros than my dick is. I'm constantly asked why I'm not dating or fucking, and the simple answer of self-respect is so fucking baffling that people almost take it personally. If it means I'm fucked up for the moment I'm seriously okay with that because I won't ever have to drop friends, and I'm one in at least a million that gets to interpret their own personal meaning of life.(most people think it's sex if u didn't know)

Jesus, that's optimism. In short I'm pretty fucking stoked to be alive in body and mind lately. What I'm doing by writing this down for you all to read is either documenting my road to success, or complete failure. At the end of each road there is opportunity for literary inspiration though. Still gonna aim for the first. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed my autobiographical novel

in case all that writing didn't do it for you check this shit out

real people have problems too

2011-08-03T22:34:00.000-07:00

o and for those of you that don't know, i have a tumblr for my photos now. This blog is a bit more srs content driven so you can look there for pictures I don't know how to take yet. Probably post some here as they get more relevant.
I finally found something to paint on today and also in the next month(s) I will be making something for a campaign to raise money for breast cancer, so I will be back soon with something to show for myself and also more details on the latter.

I am going to be a dick and ctrl v my tumblr post

2011-07-25T19:55:00.000-07:00

SUMMER'//TAPE by worldsgreatestbreed

HAY guys, I got bored and made a summer mixtape for you(me). Download it and think of me when ur getting drunk or taking the bus or whatever it is you do when you listen to music. It is fun and uptempo with like 20% mellowz. regular rotation stuff that makes me think of summer.
single track audio available through player, and I got lazy trying to find a filehosting site for the individual tracks so you can get it from mediafire in three different parts.

TRACKS:

1. Lil Wayne - Sorry 4 the Wait
2. Battles - Ice Cream (ft. Matias Aguayo)
3. VΛNILLΛ - Good Times
4. The XX - You've Got the Love (Theophilus London rmx)
5. Cults - Oh My God
6. Gnarlo - King of Assmilk Flowers (Tyler, the Creater vs. NMH)
7. Museum of Bellas Artes - Watch the Glow
8. Nicki Minaj - Superbass
9. Coma Cinema - Only (GOBBLEGOBBLE rmx)
10. Bad Lamps - Never Know the Difference
11. Grizz Le Beast - Rock It Out (UNK vs. Phunk-a-Delic)
12. Theophilus London - Why Even Try (RAC rmx)
13. Pony Pony Run Run - Walking On A Line (Lifelike rmx)
14. VΛNILLΛ - Feel Like I Do
15. Tyler, the Creator - Analog (ft. Hodgy Beats)
16. Star Slinger - Mornin'
17. Young Hank - Popcut
18. Madeon - Pop Culture
19. Bloc Party - I Still Remember (SebastiAn rmx)
20. M83 - Midnight City
21. Grizz Le Beast - Why You A Hoe (Ebony Eyez vs. Supermode)
22. Kanye West & Jay Z - Otis (ft. Otis Redding)
23. VΛNILLΛ - The People
24. YOUTH LAGOON - July

ALSO I should mention that this mixtape is for promotional purposes solely, and I do not claim ownership to the rights of any of the above aside from the album art. Seeing as I've only gotten permission from one of the artists officially, If you do own the rights to any of the music I have hosted here, fill me in and I will gladly accommodate any and all requests to remove said media.
Now go pretend it's sunny outside errbudy

charmed

2011-07-20T20:23:00.000-07:00

hay again
as usual with summer comes busy
though it hasn't been much like summer at all so far. I've been trying to take advantage of the better days. And every weekend seems to be busy. I haven't been doing nearly as much as I'd planned to but a lot of serious thinking(daydreamin) has been accomplished.
For the best. I've been I suppose "soul searching" while keeping myself occupied.
Although not traditionally productive, mentally I've gotten some shit sorted out. It's been occurring to me that my mood and outlook in relativity to the season may not just be a coincidence. This particular season is fucking beguiling. Now I'm not sure if it's the weather effecting our endorphins and thereby putting almost everyone in a better mood , or the simple enchantment of everything looking moronically attractive in this light. On certain days I literally feel infatuated with everything. It's fucked.
I do know I'm never like this in later months. This place is cold as fuck, and I can't recall the last autumn/winter that I didn't have a hard fucking time keeping my head above water. Perhaps I'm just a bitch to nostalgia that time of year, but it certainly isn't a good time regardless. I've been putting off talking about how unfulfilled I've been at work and at home because in cases like this, the more prone you are to complain about your own lack of initiative, the less likely you are to actually opt for needed change. That being said, I'm really not sure what my gameplan is, but I know I'm working on one.

Victoria isn't home. routine has gotten the best of me in this place, and nothing I've displayed of myself here I even really want to be reminded of. I'll look back on my time here longingly because a human's memory is only as good as the cheap aesthetics it recalls before all else. Honestly I'd describe a great portion of my time here as a feeling of transience. I hope nobody takes that the wrong way. I have done a lot, and learned a lot about myself and a lot about people as a whole. It was all very necessary. But it has never felt permanent, and I have quite intentionally not made myself comfortable here. I want to accomplish something else, and I want an entire ensemble of new faces to like and loathe. I won't expect anywhere to complete me, or make me feel any more at home, especially without a lot of effort on my own part. It is very likely that I will never feel at home and constantly long for something I've never seen, achieved or experienced despite all the theoretical success in the world. That's everybody. But a complete overhaul on my surroundings feels necessary. Travel has always interested me, and for good reason. This idea is not just an idea. Bearing in mind I'm way ahead of myself in any sense of action, I plan to leave, maybe far, maybe just a few hours away.
This article probably puts some recent feelings more simply. if you disregard the offputting self-promotion it is an inspiring lil' read for you creatives. Some of it I already preach and some of it I should consider more seriously for myself.

In slightly more immediate news you'll notice I'm probably going to tone down digital media in my art. The more time I spend in tumblr, and reading art blogs, the more I recognize how easily people will gobble trite and obvious displays of expression. None of it means much of anything. The odd project I'll take pride in but for the most part it's me being too lazy to pick up a brush or leave the computer. It's fucking impersonal and cheap and defines a generation of apathy and mental simplicity. I just spend a lot of time here so I forget there's audience for real art. Something that doesn't lack expression or personality. literal blood, sweat, tears, cheap mediums, sentimental objects, depth in lines. Visibly tremorous brush strokes on bad days is fucking personal. I've been called pretentious more recently than humble, but anyone who knows me well knows I'm at least equal parts dumb fucking joke. I mask modesty with a dick smile for a reason. I would like to wake up every day with a sense of purpose, make myself presentable for a reason and challenge myself with something I give a shit about because when I don't I treat myself like trash. (see preceding years)
So now that I have these things in order.
I'm still where I was a year ago.
No prospects, but I guess more potential
kicking around for a fucking foothold
fuck, that was several rants.

In closing:

solstice

2011-06-20T22:13:00.000-07:00

I didn't really think about it until today but the idea of photography has slowly become abstract as fuck to me.
It's been so long since I've tried being creative on the terms of someone or something else. I've gotten so used to drawing and painting every day or two that I've forgotten what it's like to express myself by way of manipulating something tangible instead of my own imagination. Time and place are crucial still, but nearly the opposite way in which I'm practiced.
I'm not just manifesting fucked up ideas and shitting something only vaguely relevant to the original thought onto paper. It's a much more physical craft and one I fail to treat with enough merit. but then again
Anyways
I'm enjoying the extended daylight we've been getting
The extra endorphins and realization that prospects are becoming an actuality have kept my general outlook pretty on-color. I'm finding myself drawn to things visually that months ago I would have found repulsive. It's maybe not a radical change of perspective so much as it is a change of light on the same hazy portrait. But that sounds almost ideal

and another thing
I suggest watching the whole series of these if you're into that sort of thing
genuinely interesting, informative and at times really disheartening. but a good watch

Everything is a Remix Part 3 from Kirby Ferguson on Vimeo.

your weighted inflections speak volumes

2011-06-14T00:10:00.000-07:00

/

2011-06-12T22:40:00.002-07:00

Summer's fucking busy
I haven't even really sat back and acknowledged the fact that I've been having fun
I just feel occupied. feelings being mulled over less, endorphins from sun and shit. It's not anything groundbreaking but it's a wider perspective which is seasonal but that way it doesn't get tired.
That town always fucks with me too. I can't describe it. But it's not good for me
I'm tired as fuck but restless. And everything feels ambiguous. everything.
but tomorrow's another week
I'll make more sense later

surname

2011-05-30T21:22:00.000-07:00

well, It's been a while again.
though it's completely relevant to this blog I didn't mention the big painting I was working on was for a small group show at good bro, short film contributor, and huge fucking help joey's house.
I slightly regret not really inviting anyone, but I figured 50% of the people there would just be there for a party. It was a good experience though. I'll be glad to do another one when the chance arrives. overall I got the response I'd hoped for. There were talks of potential sales (I'm told) but I've hardly titled, let alone priced anything I brought with me. So next time.
Considering how almost superfluously personal it is to paint your stream of consciousness I wasn't nervous for anyone to see it. I've seen and read and thought the text so many times I forget it can come across as almost personally offensive.
there's something of a review here with a snippet about one of my pieces 3.5 paragraphs after the photo.
haha, but I plan on phasing out the text gradually
in bigger pieces anyway.
maybe work on some subjects more subtle
I don't know. But after a droning day at work, I feel motivated to keep painting. I can't look forward to dreading every fucking monday for the rest of my life
It's not only repetitive, but an accumulative hate. the more I actually spend time doing the things I love on weekends, the harder it is to deal with another starting work week
to the point where I dread really enjoying a weekend.
that's fucked up. It's about time for a step forward

back before the gloss was taken off

2011-05-23T20:31:00.001-07:00

fuck I still need a scanner
I haven't been posting or writing or drawing as much as usual because I've been trying to fucking finish some 42”x22” board which I referred to last post
it's just been pissing myself off in shifts pretty much over the last week when I get the time to.
I'll be happy with the end result but I can't say it'll have been worth the time and grief and wishing I was working on something else
It's discipline and I'm okay with that because that's what adults do. Nothing worth feeling any sense of pride over is achieved easily. Unfortunately
it's just "winging" something that could potentially look like shit and require a second go when you really have spent enough time already, nerve racking.
Anyways, one or two more hours and it's done. hopefully no more fuck ups and/or setbacks
I want to do something else

sleep is for the week

2011-05-18T22:50:00.000-07:00

apologies for the lack of visual enthusiasm
I was pissing myself off via paint for three hours before I sat down to draw
I don't know what it is but irl tragedy charms the shit out of me
I've been trying to balance laziness paint and enjoying the weather while it's here
it shouldn't be as hard as it is. no matter what I'm doing I feel like I should be doing something else.
but I guess that's what happens when you set a self directed deadline, your hobby becomes less enjoyable when you don't give yourself the option of apathy
it's a taste of real life i guess
anyways after last weekend I have about eight dollars in the bank so I doubt I'll do much else with my time
one of these days I'm going to consider growing up instead of pretending to

andy scharf is a BA

2011-05-10T22:49:00.000-07:00

Kenny Scharf: More,Newer,Better,Nower,Funner! from Levi's Film Workshop on Vimeo.

He's been making (documented) art since 1978, I hope I care that much about anything when I'm his age. I don't have anything of my own to post so that's mainly why it's there.
I've been reflecting I guess, and socializing kind of. I started a much needed RL painting today. feels good. My tablet's been making me lazy and it's handicapping my growth via myself not putting enough effort into the things I make with it. It's experience but still, I don't want to cheapen myself completely. Also a while ago I witnessed a popular artist blatantly rip off one of my favorite artist's earlier work, and completely get away with it. it kind of got me paranoid about my own integrity and work. People ate that shit up. And it's completely disheartening. I mean almost all art is a replication of other art. as is music, film, whatever. Originality is hard because everything is diluted with influence and to create something that's truly never been witnessed before is near impossible. Anyways, that'll always nag at me, but there's little to be done about it so all I can do is watch my own actions and make sure they don't compromise my principles. That's as close to a solution as I'm going to get.

I just went for a walk and it smells like bad nostalgia outside. It got me wondering why in retrospect shit smells like gold. I guess the human brain doesn't have the capacity to make you feel the pain you once did. Mental scars and muscle memory, but nothing physical; nothing you don't readily adapt to. it's all just bittersweet and childish reverence. Like anything else, much more appealing from afar. I'll probably in the future look back fondly at this moment in time right now. People just don't like being in their own shoes. It's stressful and uncertain, but you learn as time goes on that things will never be better than they are in your current situation (barring extreme circumstances). You'll never be as youthful, you'll have more serious responsibilities and definitely worse problems.
the wise choice is to soak it up
but the conscious choice to "soak it up" forces you to acknowledge the fact that things are getting worse by the day
.. which is actually pretty discouraging
and by this point you've long since ruled out reverting to blissful ignorance
shit what did I just do

teeth

2011-05-02T20:45:00.000-07:00

I think I've found a mnemonic
a recurring muse in the only place i've learned to look without fail
that's a shame.

I ain't an alcoholic I just drink a lot.

2011-04-30T16:30:00.001-07:00

Another huge influence. But a positive one this time. Scroobius Pip, or David Meads. A talented lyricist and spoken word artist. I've taken a lot of interest in writing and the english language in general because of what he does. Not only just that but as an artist. I'm planning a series of paintings based on an old film adaptation of an even older play which he's quoted or sampled on a few occasions. Although I don't know if it's a good idea yet.
ANyways I noticed this morning as I couldn't get out of bed until much later than I wanted to with a blinding headache that I've been cut off at 3 different bars 3 weekends in a row. Definitely A group effort on all counts, last night no fault of my own at all. so I don't feel too bad. My regular intake is actually all around much less than it used to be. But still, to other people that probably makes me look "bad". SO, next weekend I won't do that. But I have no promises for tonight, because it's my brothers birthday evening, and part of me(most of me) wants it to be funny.
HAPPY (EARLY)BIRTHDAY DANNY

it's not a load that you can spit

2011-04-28T17:31:00.002-07:00

I'm fucking discouraged.
As per unfortunate timing today I received an "If I weren't such a nice guy, you'd be fired right now.", and with a comment like that it's very hard to hold yourself in any kind of esteem. I don't give a fuck about the trivialities that preceded and caused it because it was minor. What gets me is the fact that at this point in my life I can't do anything but eat that shit. We're surrounded by people that encourage our failure and usually it doesn't get to me because I know what I want and anything else is just a distraction. And I've learned after some time that if you're not willing to change a shitty situation for yourself you have no right to complain.
But this incredibly long four day week has got me questioning what it is I'm even capable of and as a result my own reflection inspires little more than disgust in me. I'd cringe if my body didn't feel such indifference. I want my arrogance back. I don't want to regress into this apathetic self loathing piece of shit. But fuck, nothing gets to me worse than the fact that this will only change naturally. I should just get drunk at the beach. nothing else will happen

hell

2011-04-27T21:27:00.000-07:00

I've been so fucking unmotivated this week. I'm trying, but it's not happening. I feel completely drained of drive and enthusiasm. It's a fucking writers block. Only I can't draw either. Painful, all I can do is pass the time. Weather must be fucking with me or something.
Listen to your stream of consciousness, take notes, revise. It's the creative process. But there's nothing flowing. My mind is literally a blank page. SO fucking crippling. It's only been two days, but it's making me feel like shit. I think my self esteem dropped over night, when that happens I can't be sure I like the way anything looks so I just piss on a tablet or paper and tell myself it's all I'm worth.
I need a damn pick-me-up
or dinner

Barbara Frye

2011-04-25T19:58:00.000-07:00

Bukowski is probably my favorite bad influence. His life and work make me feel hope and defeat at the same time. I get in moods and binge on it. books like Love is a Dog From Hell, I could probably never get sick of. All of it so quotable. I was planning on doing a series of artworks of my influences, and I probably will slowly. But the medium and context won't be consistent. So I don't know how much of a series it'll actually be.
More and more this year I'm starting to feel I'm aging. My body can't handle what it used to, I'm realizing I have to do more on my own. Everybody seems to be having a hard time with it. Childhood is misleading, we're bred with such trust. Work hard and shit's gonna be good. Care about people and shit's gonna be good . But nobody's going to be there like they were. We all miss that feeling. Some of us better at coping than others. We have our friends and our relationships with only as much worth as humanly possible. When you're gone they relate to each other by talking about your questionable actions, and your faults. it's common ground and an always engrossing conversation piece. These are the people who will mean the most to you for the rest of your life, the good ones. I don't know who to feel worse for. But I guess I'll smile and take part

in lieu of subtlty

2011-04-21T20:57:00.000-07:00

Well, it's thursday and I'm sleeping early because I have a greyhound to catch in the morning, so I guess the week's over and I didn't do a lot with it.
real soon I want to start fucking with canvas again. Something more practical for a show if I get in on one in the near future. shouldn't be too big a challenge. I want to start painting more on wood panel or other found material too. I prefer the look to canvas usually. It feels too forced and I'm rarely happy with the end result
perhaps I just haven't gotten into the swing of making use of a fixed-size working area. digital is good for that. It's spoiling

This is dope too. Irrelevant but dope. Theophilus is one of many influences if only in just the way he presents himself. This reminds me how fucking small Victoria is, we don't have any good shops here. There's shitty consignment, overpriced shitty consignment and AA. every trendy "boutique" is headed by some thick ass framed brown wearing bitch who likes to stick her nose up. so busy indulging herself in the siren song of DIVERSITY that she forgets to stand for anything other than her exclusive taste in life and clique of undeserved pretentious nobodys. I mean everybody's an asshole sometimes, I can be blatantly hypocritical on the subject; but I'm talking about the caricature of a gaping asshole.
Whatever. VV fits and it's keeping me from going broke and shopping with these people, who I'm also failing to acknowledge exist in literally every bigger city.
I guess I'm sleepin' now!

2011-04-20T20:44:00.001-07:00

Some guy once established the sexual drive as the primary motivational force of human life. A lot of the time I wonder what it is that drives me anymore. my own sexual drive is superfluous. Resentment is a motivational tool, but that can't be all there is. And if it is I'm fucked when that light burns out. Or maybe once it does the subject matter will change entirely.
I guess I'll find out later.
Anyways, I hope you're all real high

It's kill or be killed

2011-04-19T19:30:00.001-07:00

these narratives can't commit me to a consistent role
it's rare, but at times like this and Christmas I notice how little it is I actually care about anyone. Well, I notice it, but I rarely acknowledge it as anything of a problem.
edit:: I just wrote a REALLY long and introspective couple paragraphs on the state of mind I've thrown myself into in the last year. And then I remembered that If I wanted people to know what I was thinking there would be no point in making art, and far less motivation.
in short : I've been pissed on and I deal with it differently than most people and I'd like to think moreso that I'm misunderstood than a blatant and selfish asshole.
I hope you can learn to appreciate my candor, distasteful behavior and needless vulgarity. It's never personal, and you'll probably be more comfortable feeling bad for me than being offended by any of it. Now everyone can sleep at night

with just our flashlights and our love

2011-04-18T20:39:00.000-07:00

lazy sentiment

2011-04-17T21:50:00.001-07:00

sooo it's been a while
and by a while, I mean like, a week or somethin.
It's been eventful, I had a house guest for 10 days and aside from getting shit sick it was a good time. I spent too much money but it was worth it.
partyfest was dope and the following weekend equally so
it's always weird getting used to the same old routine after actually enjoying myself, but next weekend is four days long so I'm not too concerned about it.
I'm amped to be getting back to work(art) though
if you haven't seen already I submitted another tee to threadless. I'm not expecting much from this one but you can vote anyway if you want to. I'll probably keep doing this until somebody likes one. Aint nothin' wrong with practice.
and now if you'll excuse me I'm going to have some brews before I start the week again
enjoy yourselves

and I did another one of these

2011-04-14T22:20:00.001-07:00

so when it's approved I'm going to bug you all to vote
thankZ in advance

4/14

2011-04-14T20:50:00.000-07:00

presented without text because I've been sick as fuck and also busy with company

a little bit of sherm sure provokes the fucking fight in her

2011-04-06T23:28:00.000-07:00

so, as you may or may have not noticed I didn't do well enough @ threadless to get my submission printed. Or even stick around the full seven days, haha. I was pretty resigned to the fate of it after the first 50 votes were of average (average being bad) rating. Browsing the other submissions I realized it probably shouldn't just be a few hour hangover project if I want it to actually get off the ground. I'm entirely confident I can make something better, but me and threadless do have a slightly different demographic. I'll probably submit another when I get some hours to fuck around a little more seriously and think about who I'm trying to appeal to. I appreciate a challenge, and I'm confident enough in my ability to take shit like that in stride.
mad appreciate to everyone who promoted and/or voted me though. I got more support than I expected. I'll probably spam again when I've submitted the next one.

also PARTY FEST is this weekend.
And for the occasion I'll be seeing some friends I haven't seen in what feels like for fucking ever.
a few of my posters are downtown, and there's about no way I'm not going to have a fucking ball

"you have to be somebody before you can share yourself"

2011-04-05T17:55:00.001-07:00

come over if you wanna see the rest.

I've been noticing lately that I'm always worried I'm not making proper use of my time
I've always wanted to feel that way. It's almost like an anxiety.
an incredibly beneficial anxiety.
when I look at how much most people get done on a daily basis it's a ridiculous concern
I used to be so apathetic. I would sit all day and not do a damn thing.
but then, I get that feeling every time I go back home.
Thank god for the rest of the world

ALso

2011-04-05T09:14:00.001-07:00

threadless accepted my submission
so now I need some real promotion
vote for me
(a 5 if you want)
7 days to do well!
so far i'm doing terrible LUL

stitched

2011-04-04T22:27:00.000-07:00

I was going to write some stuff here but I'm too tired to form a coherent sentence in my head

hey internet, love me

2011-04-02T16:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you kids are still wearing threadless these days, but that doesn't matter
promote me! assuming this is approved,
I'd appreciate it lots if you voted me somethin' nice

Gretchen, stop trying to make wretch happen.

2011-03-31T21:31:00.000-07:00

see, now I feel fucking weird posting in two places.
anyways, what do you do when every immediately perceivable choice ends at a loss?
things are just never black and white.
I'm tired of realizing that my friends aren't who they once were, or who I'd like them to be. Incredibly selfish I guess, but you'd know what I'm talking about if you knew what I was talking about. that's the most I'm going to elaborate.
no offense, reader. this probably isn't about you
I've just lost the concept of moral ground and it's pissing me off
I don't know if I've just been pleasing myself saying I've been living with more integrity than everyone else. or maybe in some ironic twist everything I feel now is some kind of fucked up complex I picked up as a result of feeling weak. I guess i'll find out if I never change
living like an idiot is always easier

pretty gay bro

2011-03-30T18:01:00.000-07:00

i got a fucking tumblr
I try to justify it on my first post.
for real, this will be a convenience for me. Not a proud one.
but for those of you (probably strictly family members) who actually keep up on this blog, I'm most likely going to stick at it. I won't be surprised if I just post the same shit on both of them
fuck even browsing themes is obnoxious
between this and twitter social networking is just the lowest form of taking a shit

privilege

2011-03-29T18:32:00.000-07:00

"On May Day, just after leaving her fiancé, 23-year-old Evelyn McHale wrote a note. 'He is much better off without me ... I wouldn't make a good wife for anybody,' ... Then she crossed it out. She went to the observation platform of the Empire State Building. Through the mist she gazed at the street, 86 floors below. Then she jumped. In her desperate determination she leaped clear of the setbacks and hit a United Nations limousine parked at the curb."
-Time magazine, May 1947

Apparently this is pretty well-known, but I'm pretty historically uninformed. You can tell because it took me 64 years to blog this
Anyways, re-appropriating this is kind of a dick in the face seeing as nothing could ever do the original photo justice. but then, pop art is always a dick in the face. Andy fucked with this one too.
I would high five her grave if I didn't disrespect her enough already. Self deprecation and unbridled commitment had a threesome with endearing as fuck and had a crazy baby named Evelyn's Last Choice. Over half a century later some retard with a blog and tablet got inspired
for real though I found out about my new girlfriend by way of a Parenthetical Girls song I'm not too crazy on, aptly titled Evelyn McHale.
They're dope if you can look past the blinding indie.
here's one that entirely veers off the subject of Evelyn McHale

not everyone's a good swimmer

2011-03-28T20:57:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it's the high road but it's about as far from water

2011-03-26T20:49:00.000-07:00

saturdays this fucking lame tend to beg a lot of questions I'd rather not answer
i'm not going to type them out because I don't want to look bad.
I wish I had an estranged friend to send it in a letter to.
Somewhere far as fuck. Someone who knows me just well enough to still find this shit interesting. Who could regale me with stories of a life that is not even the slightest bit similar to mine. some serious non-fiction
but I don't know anyone that far
so again I'll settle with a beer and exhaust from some shit I don't even like
and probably just wake up feelin' breezy tomorrow anyway
i love spring

an ambitious enough dream will taunt you just as well as a nightmare

2011-03-20T22:36:00.000-07:00

short term delusions are common,
but you're awake now. wipe the shit out of your eyes

tell ur friends

2011-03-15T22:21:00.000-07:00

if you're hard up (I know 90% who read this are), don't worry about the 5 dollars.
If you're not and those brass monkeys got you feeling charitable, fess up for some local shit.
as long as you show up stoked( to get drunk )

You're two-timing him with that blood sucker Eli Cash

2011-03-07T19:33:00.000-08:00

three words

2011-03-06T21:12:00.001-08:00

I aint no Lichtenstein but I think the end result of the four color process looks sweet as fuck when it's handcrafted. (I'm aware the above isn't handcrafted)
I'd like to try it sometime. I've seen other artists do it and it's kind of stupid to put that much effort into something so ridiculously tedious when it was only ever there to save money on ink.
but liek pop art and shit~*
screenprinting would be dope to get into as well buttt I'm not a student so I'd have no clue where to start, not to mention the money.
I got drunk and stole some spraypaint from a construction site last night and I'm gonna start effin' with some stencils if I can think of anything sweet to make
also I still miss my friends
that is all

summer goals

2011-03-03T21:09:00.001-08:00

I'm only hosting that here because facebook would make it too small and I dont remember what photobucket is.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and deciding that I really have to move.
having my health fuck me back and Bryan Mason dying(RIP) has been somethin' of a throatgrab. It's the most cliché epiphany ever epiphed but it got me thinking about what and who are more important than me and my petty issues and redundant pictures and writing.
Those things while serving a level of catharsis, don't do a fuck for my mood or my tired charlie sheen outlook. living here just feels like a constant hangover. and I'm not talking about the hangovers.
when I first moved here it seemed to have such charm and character. And then I met some people. Under different circumstances I could probably like it a lot. but these aren't different circumstances. It doesn't make sense for me to stay here anymore. almost everyone(PA and family excluded) I like best lives, or will live in vancouver in not too long.
fuck, I don't even want to live in vancouver really. But I've got time to save and think about it. If things pick up and I end up wanting to stay, sweet. but as far as I can see right now con is outweighing pro one billionfold on this place

bitches/potential

2011-02-27T23:16:00.000-08:00

you're not all poison
well, it's relative
and always much better from a distance
I mean at least I guess bring something to the table
I don't know what I'm saying here.
I've been yearning for some real talks with some old friends. for some substantial human contact. we're not all just weeds
I need a vacation that doesn't just last a few hours and doesn't leave me with a headache
this ungratified routine isn't good for anybody
I don't know what kind of change is necessary but somethin' is. too many dead birds pecking at my conscience.
this is a good mood and I have no idea what to do with it.

proverbial gold miner

2011-02-25T15:35:00.000-08:00

first half hour of quality alone time in I don't even remember. i have a hard time adjusting to company, but it's usually worth having. as tempted as I am to spend the evening writing and drawing about the usual and new rues to battle a week long hangover I won't.
habit tells me I'm the subject of a mile-long tablecloth trick but habit is filthy. I value the past for all the right reasons and that makes me a good person. Not a nice person, a good person. humanity's congenital personal confusion tells us we need a partner to pursue the light at the end of the tunnel with. when you both realize it's a trashfire against a black wall you're going to want someone to blame for the long walk. It's not that I don't understand, it's that I do. I hope one day I'll meet someone I can relate to. Or just someone who can open up my head and take a life changing shit inside of it without all the small talk. likely

But it's the weekend. And despite the cold, the sun is pretending it's a nice day. So I'm going to smile and get drunk tonight and have my own brand of a good time while you chill with the billions sitting discontent on No-name swearing that copyright is just a triviality. tastes like shit to me.
sweepstakes

swagswagwgasawg

2011-02-16T23:28:00.000-08:00

OFWGKTA
keep your eyes open, because you're already seeing this shit everywhere
I'm going to experience this live when I get the chance

never swallow your pride

2011-02-14T21:31:00.000-08:00

don't ask about religious symbolism in the shit lately. it probably serves a fairly obvious purpose. and i find it aesthetically pleasing.
merry christmas!

edit-- ice cream cones work too!

post script

2011-02-13T22:14:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow at work I might be offered another full time position, and it got me thinking why it is I can never commit to full-time work. I'll admit it's partly just out of lethargy but it could never be just that. I've always got some kind of lack of money. but money's never been big on my list of priorities. It confuses most people because we were all taught that the paper chase is the most crucial for a good life, but I give a fuck about a lot of things before I'll spring for a financially higher standard of living. Probably has something to do with the fact that I don't give a fuck about getting laid like most dudes. But back to what I do care about. I've learned to live a lifestyle I'm comfortable with on just a part time pay. I get by fine, get the shit I need, I pursue my real interests. That time is more valuable than most figures, it's all I care about anymore. so fuck it, fuck writing off my dreams for disposable income. that's bullshit. I respect that it works for some people, I'm just not one of them. I fucking hope I can avoid that position, and I hope other people can grow the fuck up and try to respect me for having a different kind of ambition. It's the first time I've shown any.
Also I'm realizing pursuing this shit is going to mean becoming more socially active, connections. Eventually I have to stop emotionally resigning myself to this murky perception I have of everyone. I can keep yelling bitches from my stupid livingroom but they're still going to be there. And being a bitter asshole just means that I'm letting ghosts win. you can't even see ghosts. I'm as weak as I've ever been, I've just learned some hard ass lessons and become as jaded as everyone else. I just deal with it in a different way. I can still appreciate companionship and shared interest. art is collaborative, and people to fuck shit up with is all I really want. fuck that bourgeois lifestyle, I have an opportunity to try so I'm going to stick with it. I've got to swallow this counterfeit pride and hopefully keep this mentality. I think I'm always going to be cynical but I've picked the right profession if that's the case. If distaste is all I ever have to express then I'll fucking tag it up.

betting on the muse

2011-02-09T20:08:00.001-08:00

SOWW I almost have enough money for the rebel real quick. That's sweet. I plan on doing quite a bit with it. Also I think I'm starting to write a book of short stories illustrations and personal philosophy. Yeah, I guess that's called a "journal". Excerpts I got so far are about that personal, but I'm not going to keep it hidden away somewhere with a lock and key. Maybe not everyone, but I'll show it to the people I don't think are too pussy to read about something introspective that isn't just neato existentialism . It'll be accumulative, likely sloppy and probably never finished. I've been thinking a lot about it and too many people I know are simply afraid to give credit to strong emotions other than love or happiness. it can be so fucking taboo but I find creatively I get a truckload out of embracing it . Maybe I'm just more of a masochist or some shit but It probably comes with the territory. happiness is ephemeral and at times dishonest(duhr) , you feel like it's on the tip of your tongue but it's on a stick in front of a treadmill. sometimes death is sippin' on a doctor pepper in the guise of life and I don't want to draw a picture or write a book about two people drooling and staring at the sun. I want to write about doctor pepp! I want to read literature I can appreciate and relate to that isn't Bukowski. Get real, Bukowski. I'm sure there's a lot out there but I'd rather stay productive than do "research" which is the opposite of productive. I'm not one of those fags who seek enlightenment instead of dwelling on things that retrospectively don't have to be so big a deal. searching for enlightenment means abandoning all your current and incredibly stable principles, and that is by far the gayest idea I've ever even imagined.
But seriously. As soon as old man Spring comes around I'll get more active and actually enjoy myself. It's the way the year tends to play out. The plan was to stay indoors through the cold season and work on more portfolio shit, and I did. I developed a very important friendship, did a lot of painting and some quasi self improvement.

on a more literal note, this is fucking sweet.
I constantly wonder how I'd cope if I ever lost my vision. This man does a better job than I would. inspiring shit though.

| Artists Wanted | In Focus : Pete Eckert from Artists Wanted on Vimeo.

I guess that's all I've got for you today.
PS

you're a rough draft

2011-01-26T18:07:00.001-08:00

I started drawing up plans for a painting the other day and while deciding on a colorway, I realized that a smiling girl with "bravado" written in cum on her face is probably gonna be one of the ones that won't be received the way it's intended to. so right now since I'm bored I'm going to clear that up mostly for my own peace of mind.
for the record, I'm no sexist or chauvinist. weird rite? pieces like this or the one with the girl saying "bitches" over her face are meant to be sort of a social commentary i guess? on how humans in general, in or out of love, will treat each other and themselves to appear dominant over the opposite sex. and what emotional cop-outs people will commit to in attempt to justify their actions. when I write bitches I'm referring to a certain type of girl. not every girl, and probably not most girls. just as I refer to a certain type of guy as douche bag. I guess it's still prejudice on some level but I try not to generalize if I can avoid it. out of habit I'll use the term loosely in speech but to be fair I only mean it about 50% of the time.
but back on topic, i guess the resentment i feel towards people as a whole is largely influenced by this kind of behavioral form. some people feel damaged, used, so they take it out on people who don't deserve it. gives them a naive sense of power like they have life in a choke hold because they can inflict more pain than they feel. we've all seen it perpetuated. using yourself and others to gain your self-respect back because you opened up to the wrong person and now you're some kind of dump covered victim. it makes no sense. wiping a sour dirt taste out of your mouth with a soiled rag just makes you look like a mud hungry retard. and though the pursuit of happiness is grandiose I feel like people are just looking for depth in a kiddy pool because the pathway is less slippery. looking for clear and discernible ground in a puddle of child pee murked with impurities from candy and other stupid things kids eat. I'm no basis for the most level headed behavior but if I feel like someone I trust has slipped me laxatives I won't take a dump on the carseat of someone who trusts me. so I guess there you go. I have no qualms with affection or love, just the insincere confused behavior it leads people to on account of blind emotion dickwrestling all logic into submission . i guess some qualms. there's a bold line that shouldn't be crossed and everyone is jizzing over it because life is a series of hilarious accidents and you'll look tougher jizzing over a line with shades on than you will carrying yourself genuinely
in conclusion: idk i need new subject matter

survival of the shittest

2011-01-13T19:04:00.000-08:00

the dictum of everything human and the idea that you aren't quite happy enough without a counterpart. The human condition is loneliness and we're forced into medicating with god's ugly puzzle piece. you're sedated because you're always cumming or approaching it or attempting to. Life's purpose is the reason we do drugs and settle and have retarded children. I've got my own vices but they aren't my every thought and my every concern and i'd rather commit to myself than another because the come down is less physically taxing. People are dependent on other people, much like a chemical dependency or a crutch. and much like any other crutch made of decaying material, it isn't reliable. It'll trip and take shits and need to lean on something just as badly as you do.
But it's loneliness and the inability to sleep alone or not constantly have the focus of an entire group of people that keeps us going. it's inbred. this retarded and demeaning mating dance I'm referring to is the only reason I'm here thinking about how fucking embarrassing the human cycle is right now. life continues and I'll probably shrug this feeling off eventually because I've got the same organs as everyone else. but maybe not.
I've been noticing that almost everything i make has been bred from self involvement or misogyny or the love of beer or some kind of crooked ideology. Not that melodrama in the medium is new. I've just never produced enough of anything in a short enough time to notice a pattern.
I guess my perspective's been clouded by a number of things, but everyone has their own personalized and fucked up thought process. it's not as if hanging out with a group of people who numb themselves and do their best not to care too much is going to do anything but perpetuate the notion that only these people exist. No dis, I love these people.
I just hope it doesn't get any more blatant than a vacant eyed girl with big red letters saying BITCHES over her face. transparency is an ugly thing
regardless I want to start assessing some life goals. the longer I put off making a decision about which direction to go the more my options taper. It's hard to get your foot in the door. or I guess it's hard to choose a door in a room full of nothing but stairs and doors. still. I've been in a better mood lately, believe it. forced to start eating better and drinking less due to my body falling apart from the inside. a little optimistic, but cautiously. All in all this year is looking the same as last year.
keep being you, world

accept the new

2010-12-21T18:49:00.000-08:00

Theophilus London - A Strangers Heart by sophiehirst
i don't know how the fuck i slept on this mixtape but i'm gonna be awake all christmas
i've got two days to wrap all my gifts, pack, and get ready for a week off
i'm going to be broke as fuck at the end of it but ohhhhh weelllll. it's easy to be in a good mood this time of year. old friends, time off, dressin nice, givin a shit
no clue about new years but i'm not worried about it
weak post
l8r

coping with self-reliance

2010-12-19T18:35:00.000-08:00

i've been getting this lack of feeling

2010-12-15T22:12:00.000-08:00

Christmas feels disorganized as fuck this year. probably because I won't be getting my schedule until I'm guessing a few days before the 24th. I could use the time off but I could also use the money, so I've decided either way I'm just going to not complain. I've been hating social activity outside of work so you'd think I'd be getting some shit done but I haven't. I feel uninspired and like everything I'm going to make for anyone will be forced and thus worthless. just some kind of funk I suppose, but it's the time of year for that. I met a man today who loved his job and it was encouraging to see that you can live and not just shit for eight hours a day. I hope one day I can be a part of something I'm interested in. Not just for the money or the hours or the staff party. I'm still without a goal. just a vague direction.

SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE

2010-12-11T13:46:00.001-08:00

so after a long wait I have a computer, and loaner camera in working order. couldn't be more stoked. unless the camera wasn't a loaner. Regardless I'm stoked. I'll slowly be uploading pictures of things I've been working on after the retarded busy of the holiday season is over. I spent my friday night this week making this for my sister's birthday, seeing as it's her party tonight.

I also just finished re-appropriating a children's book for her and her boyfriend as a housewarming gift since I never got them one. maybe I'll post it if I ever scan it. until Christmas is over I don't see doing much creatively that isn't a gift, but that's cool too 'cause apparently people want that stuff.
now I'm going to wrap some christmas things and shower and prepare for a costume party for which I have no costume.

let me get this straigh====

2010-11-24T15:58:00.000-08:00

my shitty computer, brain and warmth have been out of commission for the past/next few days.
for the most part kanye and this have been on my mind which i have got no complaints about

london's like a cross between kid cudi and dev hynes and i mean that in the best way possible.
hiphop's just been consistently not shitty lately

boner !!

I drew a picture and wrote a letter to a friend yesterday to occupy myself because I am useless without the internet. basic browsing on my ipod is not cutting it. but it'll keep me busy with more productive things anyway. I'm working a 6 day week but that is just as well because i accidentally spent wastemoney again. oops~
I am excited for christmas even though that means fucking brokemas. if not for christmas and new years i'd kill myself every fall and then again in winter. I have a temp camera now but as I said earlier, no computer. so i'll have to make any use of it sometime later i guess.
I'll get at you later internet. I guess i'll go draw or poop or whatever else I do when I'm not sitting in front of a screen

a cat without pajamas is scarcely a cat

2010-11-16T23:29:00.001-08:00

I think pretty soon i need to switch from shitty dollar store acrylics to real acrylics.
yup, that's all i have on my mind right now. I still haven't left the house much.
except to go to the castle and get drunk
ha.
other than that I've been pushing more filler for I don't know what reason. I never spend too much time or effort on any one thing and i can't tell if it's to make up for lost time or just a result of no attention span and/or patience. once I drop enough garbage I'll work my way into it slowly but surely.
Despite having my least favorite album title maybe ever, my beautiful dark twisted fantasy has been stuck in my head a loooot and will be for I hope a while. it was worth the wait.

gobblegobble:

GobbleGobble - Lawn Knives from Ryan Green on Vimeo.

which has been on my radar for a while, had a scheduled show in victoria this month which got cut from their tour, unless I just imagined it on their itinerary. And that blows because I would've gotten out of the house and enjoyed myself and also I haven't been to a show in town for well over a year. suck.

I've got nothing else to poop today. enjoy the shitty weather.

what the hell was i supposed to do

2010-11-15T22:04:00.001-08:00

eva sins i can remembr

2010-11-10T22:10:00.001-08:00

i enjoy you in these dimentions strictly

2010-11-08T21:11:00.001-08:00

but 3d glasses are a pain in the ass and so are hangovers

it's pitch black at 5:30 now

2010-11-08T19:54:00.000-08:00

and I still have nothing new to show you.
I may be borrowing a camera soon, which is sweet because I'm stockpilin' multiple weekly drawings and paints and putting them on a blog that no one reads will make me feel like I'm doing something with them. I've been watching movies too.

I recommend this movie to almost no one but I thought it was sweet.
It'll make you feel a lot of things and most of them aren't good and it is ridiculously graphic. most would say too graphic, you'll feel very awkward at times and you're weird if you don't.
and I also watched the movie about joaquin phoenix going crazy and doing "coke" off of "hookers" and getting his face "pooped" on in his "sleep". the quotations mean i loved it
Also today I learned via a couple interviews that neckface is retarded. bummer, I can't help but feel kind of stupid for being surprised though:
I had no reason to post today

call it what you wanna call it

2010-11-02T19:19:00.001-07:00

so despite having nothing to show for it here I've been fairly productive since my last post. And by that I mean completed one painting and made a large stupid picture for my wall. But did a little of something everyday which is about a 90% productivity increase. hermitted the fuck and remembered how few reachable friends I have which is more evident when days are short and weather is garbage. Halloween was so-so but considering I didn't make any plans that's alright. I may have to actually act on getting employed somewhere new since my hours are cut and I've been craving dollars lately. Tuesdays are absolutely useless to have off, but I badly do not want to downgrade or have my life and energy owned by work sooo I'm probably just going to lazily keep my eyes open.
I guess I have nothing else to write about since I've been doing nothing so I'll post a video that's more engaging than my dumb thoughts. I've never been too big into performance art but execution and results are just sweet as hell.

MADE: Typographic Ballet featuring Ebon Heath & Talib Kweli from hypebeast.tv on Vimeo.

ttyl

an old pair of boxing gloves in a new fight

2010-10-21T18:58:00.001-07:00

hell of a monthhh. don't even remember what I did with the first half, saw a lot of people I guess. Thought about what I was thankful for. I do have a lot. bought some supplies, didn't do enough with them, learned the difference between quality and shit in a couple categories. remembered that i'm still just as awkward as I was as a teenager sometimes, the small things don't change. Went to Seattle and saw one of my all-time favorite bands. Got some hours cut at work, disregarded it on the trip. Remembered my life options are limited, and again stressed on how to get the ball rolling. make money, buy the shit I want? or make less and live the life I want minus the material goods. It's all shit that I'd use a lot and they'd be extremely beneficial for what i want to do. I just don't want to throw away all that time to get a couple things and still not be anywhere. Also looked into school and remembered I'm only qualified in one area. DURR
I don't regret any of my past choices because they got me to where I am now. and as much as it is some kind of fucked up limbo I've placed myself in, I don't think I would've realized what I find to be the most important if I followed through with orders and did all the things I didn't want to do and was told were necessary. maybe i'm just stubborn? but still it's something to this day I see a lot of people my age and even much older being unsure of. It was the only way it would've happened and It did. regret is pointless and after all is said and done, I'll remember more than anything the way my actions were treated by the people who were too skeptical to consider I was capable of doing things any differently, and not end up in a ditch. That list is longer than I like to remember

and counting

2010-10-07T20:31:00.000-07:00

so I'm realizing i'm entirely inexperienced with paint. I have a lot of ideas and no clue how to follow through.
just drew up a 21"x27" of a sketch I didn't even really complete in my schetchbook, and while I was trying to figure out an appropriate color scheme i realized I just am not even aware of the process I'm going to use? I've only really painted a few times before and they weren't all that large; either on cardboard or 8x10 dollar store canvas. so I didn't really feel like I'd be wasting paint if it didn't turn out, winging it and failing would be just a shrug off. But bigger shit's pricey and also time consuming. I just find it all more impressive on a larger scale and while that affords more potential it's also hellll time eating, complicated, and not easy on $. at times I miss working the nightshift because it wouldn't matter if i stayed up all night and just slept until i had to work. there are far fewer distractions at night, and more often than not when I get started on something later in the day I can't sleep until it's complete. I don't even work fulltime and between massive amounts of socializing lately and needing sleep I just can't get enough done. I have way too much to learn to kill time like i used to. I guess this is why people go to school? as if.

ANYways. nothing new other than that I don't think. time is flying these days. but I started up a new deviant art because I don't even remember how to find my old one. also realizing the only usable art I have can be found in this blog. I desperately need a scanner and/or camera.

REGARDLESS!

the fall

2010-10-01T16:33:00.001-07:00

I have an easel now and new paintttt. things to come! And hopefully I'll eventually come in possession of a camera.
alsobirthday was party.
and by that I mean good. no complaints on 21 so far

and I really wish more of the logic of chance sounded like this
The Astounding Earnest Brace (iTunes Bonus Track) by le sac Vs Pip
RICH VS POOR (Japanese Bonus Track) by le sac Vs Pip

london drops ills this month too

You Got The Love from Theophilus London on Vimeo.

gangs of good things to come in october

Happy Birthday to me.

2010-09-21T15:58:00.000-07:00

ACCOUNT NAME: GRANNEMAN, David
SERVICE DATE: Saturday, September 25, 2010
PICK-UP TIME: 9:00 PM / [ 21:00 hrs ]
DROP-OFF TIME: 11:00 PM / [ 23:00 hrs ]
FINANCIAL/RATE: Type: Collect / Cash Est Hrs: 2 Rate: 105.00
VEH TYPE REQ'D: 8 Px Stretch

PICK-UP LOCATION AND ROUTING:
1350 Stanley Ave., off Fort
DROP-OFF LOCATION AND ROUTING:
downtown

Thank you for choosing L.A. Limousines.

weakdays more like

2010-09-13T21:23:00.000-07:00

So I'm back to the old schedule.
not stoked on almost all new staff, and having to pick up slack, but that's work.
and that's weekdays. they don't really count.
free weekends, dollars, good people, consistent motivation. all I need for the next while
maybe inspiration just comes with experience. you don't learn a thing from the same drill except how to repeat yourself.
i don't even care that summer's dead. next while will be too good to look at clouds

PS
Didn't know anything about this until today
but it's a spinke jonze short and it's good and it's available for stream so watch.

concept and awkward voice acting were a bit of a turn off for imo but if you watch in it's entirety you'll have looked past those things 15 minutes ago

ggggget better

2010-09-10T16:30:00.000-07:00

whether or not this interests anybody I'm posting it so I can watch it again later.

if you're not aware of who ralph bakshi is and/or care click

speech applies to almost any kind of work.
Hells inspiring to know someone that influential got to where he is just by bothering to care. People are so quick to bitch that their dreams aren't at their fingertips, when for real they aren't all that far off. You can have all the best ideas in the world but they don't mean a shit if you don't attempt to make them a reality. People won't be amazed by an idea alone. yourself included. Do work, and present it. even if it's garbage you learn from it. In the time I've spent thinking about what I want to do and/or what I need to buy to accomplish it, I could have done.. something. at all.
life in general caters to apathy and it's hard to break free and give a shit. It's hard to get yourself to put hours of labor into something you're not even sure will turn out, but what if it does?

where do you go when escapism doesn't have your back?

2010-09-07T19:33:00.000-07:00

real thoughts?

2010-09-01T21:13:00.000-07:00

maybe it's about time to work on some prospects and ambitions that don't revolve around being a crunk ass
need to find a starting point, or work on making one.
much easier said than done
No clue what I'm doing.

long days short nights

2010-08-30T19:02:00.000-07:00

anyway life's a gong show so I haven't done anything productive since last post. like at all.
long ass shifts, 6 day weeks for the past 3.
probably spent the difference of profit on beer and unnecessary items in the time I'm not working. kiiind of a bummer. Feels necessary after hard work sometimes though? whatever
o well, long weekend in 4 days. gonna be packed and not shitty. Back to my old schedule soon and I'm looking forward to doing some more with spare time.
for reeeaall need to do more of that. human relationships cause grief, doing things for yourself is always rewarding. need to keep in mind
anyway, gonna go shower, eat, drink a brew, sleep and get up at 830 again.
yawn

play your part

2010-08-19T20:07:00.000-07:00

eat sun, son

2010-08-19T09:47:00.000-07:00

sometimes I have absolutely no train of thought when I draw

It's thursday!
And I guess I'm going to make this quick because I need to leave for work in ten minutes.
I really wish I wasn't working another Saturday because I have two of my favorite people coming to see me. Shrug. It's been a pretty okay week. and the weekend will be great regardless.

ALSO:
if you didn't like Biebz before, you do know.
minus 800% speed
J. BIEBZ - U SMILE 800% SLOWER by Shamantis

you're welcome.

9 times out of 10 theory is cuter than practice

2010-08-17T17:56:00.000-07:00

I've been keeping busy lately but today I've got nothing.
for the first time in a couple years I have an internet connection that isn't just via a neighbours half ass unsecure wifi network. soooo good. I'll leave the house a lot less now but probably do more reading and making.
New place is going smoothly. A bit of a walk from downtown but it's worth it. Still only have my computer, xbox, tv, and some clothes unpacked but apparently that's all I need. next few weeks I'm working 6 days, which I don't mind because I'm paying real rent plus internet plus laundry plus hydro again. Doesn't add up to a hell of a lot actually but I'm not going to complain about spare dollars.
Been overthinking waaaay too much in the past, well, ever. Nothing worthwhile either.I guess i've never been good with downtime. I also guess nobody is, but lack of direction makes every minute I'm not socializing or at work downtime. Apathy's a big bitch and it always seems to be creepin'.
in other news:

KAWS gets paid to put Xs on more things

Joaquin Phoenix is a retard on the big screen

and I love good songs with retarded music videos

Pam Bites the Disco from LAND O' GOSHEN on Vimeo.

exaggerated emotions

2010-08-05T17:44:00.000-07:00

tgif

COOLRUNNINGS - BURNOUT from Brandon Biondo on Vimeo.

this video is so much better than Coke

2010-07-28T18:25:00.000-07:00

I have a new apartment come this weekend.
don't know how well I'm going to ride a year lease again, but I'm not stressed. it'll be nice not to be in limbo again. maybe this place will stay clean even.
hoping I'll be energetic enough to unpack my paints and make something new soon after. honestly don't know how likely it is though. seems like a shame to spend the last half of summer indoors. Hardly picked a pen up at all since I moved out.
but I've been enjoying myself lately. new friends, old friends and alll around good ass times. even work's been pretty top notch. Positivity is key. getting there isn't easy, and I imagine staying isn't any easier
80% waiting for some kind of crash because that's just how things tend to go.
in the meantime i'll enjoy the hell out of it

seperated from birth

2010-06-03T19:23:00.000-07:00

I'm stuck in the most retarded rut I've ever been stuck in

to new BEGINZ

2010-05-26T17:29:00.000-07:00

I've deleted all my posts from when I first moved here because they were embarrassingly optimistic
It's been a fucked up year the end
hopefully I can bark some betterfucking times next around
I'll make sure to remember the good though, there definitely was some
sometimes you gotta sift through some weird shit to find solid shit
that was a metaphor

welcome to the OC bitch